Two Weeks.

Two weeks ago today I stopped taking Adderall XR.

You can read about how I came to that decision in a previous post. However, I didn't go into detail about the reasoning. You see, through my voracious searching I discovered adderall xr could be a culprit for a lot of the things I thought were just me being ridiculous. I've read hundreds of stories from people telling their tales about their experiences, good & bad. Some things stood out as side effects I could see in myself. These include: irritated, stressed, anger, rage, talkativeness, incessant talking, tense muscles, tense body, tense in general, impulsiveness, among other things. Then there was a story from one girl that really made me wonder why I never realized part of my problem could be the adderall xr. She said she'd always been pretty mellow, never had many feelings, but the medicine made her have intense feelings, she'd talk but couldn't stop talking & had never been much of a talker, and she would get out of control mad and agitated and irritated.

Now don't get me wrong, before you roll your eyes, I'm not one of those anti-drug zealots. I promise. I'm not blaming the drug for anything, it's just helpful to me to figure out things that've been going on with me for a long time.

In addition, I could pinpoint things like when I go to Boy's I usually take my full dose, which is generally double what I take on an average daily basis. No good.

One thing that's tough for me to admit is whenever I take adderall xr, I have an urge to drink alcohol, to soften the edginess of the effects. And, when I take the full dose, the edge doesn't go away so I drink until I don't remember and continue to drink because the edge won't go away. I've actually been a bit worried that the alcoholism gene was rearing it's head and I was venturing down that dark path.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because I need to get it out, to share.

You should know there are people who have no idea who I am when I'm not on an amphetamine. Even Boy doesn't, granted for the first couple of months I was on a very low dose, he probably doesn't even remember me then because of how horrible I've been since.

In sum, I've quit taking it. Last Monday I did not take my dose and haven't taken any since then. I didn't talk to my doctor about it. I didn't gradually lower my dose. I just quit taking it. Which would probably lead most people to an epic fail, but I've managed, mostly fine.

The plan has always been to try cognitive behavior therapy, but I've never had the time or money. So, part of my Get Right plan, which will be discussed in a later post, will include setting aside time & money to do behavior therapy.

Now, what differences have I seen since stopping Adderall XR?

Some Pros: I'm starting to actually feel like me. In control. Less tense. Less sad. More mellow. Significantly less talkative. Less effected by things. No frickin' crashes, the last of which was a horrendous one I had my last Sunday with Boy since I accidentally took an extra 1/2 dose on that Saturday. Most importantly, no urge to drink! Thank goodness I'm not on my road to alcoholism!

Some Cons: What was I talking about? Yes, my absent-mindedness is increasing exponentially, severely tired, shyness rearing its ugly head, inability to focus on homework. It takes me like 5 times as long to do homework. Frustration at my inability to focus.

I may start using the lower dose I was on originally, 3 years ago. It seemed to help my focus without making me crazy. Plus, I have a huge paper to finish writing and law school exams coming up, I really need to focus. I think I may go back on Strattera, but I remember it makes me incredibly tired for the first 2-weeks and with every dosage change, so I need to wait until winter break. Or, I may continue with an extremely low-dose of Adderall XR and if at anytime I take more than I should, I'll stop using it. I mean, what was I thinking? I'm the girl who took recreational drugs in half the dose most people take. Why didn't I weed out the adderall xr sooner? I'm so stupid.

Moral of this story: Even legal amphetamines are amphetamines and even smart girls can forget that fact.


"With some good red wine and my brand new shoes
Gonna dance a blue streak around my living room
Take a chance on love and try how it feels
With my heart wide open now you know I will
Find what it means to be the girl
Who changed her mind and changed her world"
-Sugarland

Not Even Kidding!

Me: "Wanna go see a movie tonight?"
Other: "Nah, can't, I have plans."
Me:"Oh, okay"
Other:"Besides, it's Friday the 13th, with your luck shouldn't you be locking yourself up indoors and just trying to survive the date?"
Me:"Dude! A black cat totally RAN RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY CAR TODAY."
Other:"It did not! You're joking!"

It was not a joke. A black cat totally ran right in front of my car today. On Friday the 13th.

Bad luck? I have it.

"To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream."
-Incubus

Home for the Holidays.

Via text,

Little Sister: "Are you going to family holiday dinner this year?"
kittlekat: "Yes, and so are you. There's not an excuse good enough to get you out of it."
Little Sister: "Yea right. You'll ditch me for Kansas."
kittlekat: "I'm no longer bothering Boy. It's time to let him move on with his life."
Little Sister: "lol, well like they say there are more fish in the sea haha And my friend Joe thinks you're hot."
kittlekat: "Thank him for the compliment, but I think I'm going to make 25 my minimum age requirement, or maybe 28."

I haven't been nearly as emo as I've indicated in my posts. I keep thinking I'm going to have a bad night but I'm managing to keep it together. Tonight though, I'm starting to feel. I hate frickin' feeling.

On the bright side, new Bones tonight! Last night my roommate came home and saw me watching Criminal Minds, she said, "It's so strange to see you actually watching tv!" because generally I watch tv while doing homework instead of actively watching anything. But, Bones, Criminal Minds, and Law & Order (new episodes) can usually garner my attention for an hour. That is, if I'm actually home AND remember when they're on.

Big hurdles, fo' sho'.

"I'm only a woman
Of flesh and bone
And I wept much
We all do
I thought I might die alone
But I had never, never, never, never,
never, never, never, never, never, never,
never met you
So baby be good to me"
-Rilo Kiley

We Can't Go Back.

I used to be so good at being alone.

Now I just get so,

...lonely.

The tears I managed not to shed last night as I struggled to sleep may just not let me escape their wrath tonight.

Why can't I just be....nevermind, it's no matter.


"Talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to know
She tells herself, oh
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along"
-Pearl Jam

Good & Bad.

Official opening of college basketball season! I'm in class until 9:30, then I have to get groceries, plus I don't have a tv in my bedroom and my roommates don't watch basketball anyway, let alone obscure beginning-of-season basketball games.

Managed to keep it together last week & weekend. However, spent all but two nights at my mom's where I can zone out in front of the tv with nobody around to encroach on my space.

It's ridiculously warm for the northern midwest in November. It's dark when I leave work.

Recently contacted by Blue Eyes. Pretty sure randomly hearing from Blue Eyes, th guy who I was falling for who met his most serious girl ever shortly after we stopped frequent contact is not the omen I need shortly after promising to stop contacting Boy.

Remembering to call my dad to ask if he can bring my bed up to my new place. Forgetting it's Special Hunting Season and being greeted by his liquor drenched, but too kind, words

Tonight there was soft rain falling upon my windshield as I drove to class. Nobody to cuddle with on the couch when I get home.

I think tonight is going to be a rough lonely night when I settle into bed.

Harrumph!

"If this is my last chance to love you
I’m gonna play it like a grown man ought to
If I only got one shot to win you
Then call me Jordan 4th quarter in '92"
-Ginuwine