Day One.

I'm too busy to cry. Way too busy. But, I'm permanently on the verge of tears. I may've smiled once or twice today, but then I came home after work, dark clouds looming overhead figuratively & literally. All I want to do is curl up into a big sobbing mess.

But, that's not going to magically make me better.

Fortunately, I had a good deal of time yesterday to think about myself. I also had a window seat on both of my flights so my tears were easy to hide. I should've been doing homework, but instead I was pouring over memories of the first couple months I met Boy. I pinpointed that time frame as when I took a flying leap into Crazy. I've always figured it was him, us, that made me this way. So unstable. Falling for a guy I totally had no interest in falling for, trying so hard and being so irritated because I just COULD NOT accept the fact I was falling for him. Then finally being left heartbroken. Unwanted. Not good enough.

Like, seriously, can I get some other pattern in life? Why does it always have to be people crushing me?

Anyway, I thought & thought & thought & thought & thought some more over what the heck happened to me. Well, it finally occurred to me that there was one other thing that in my life at that time and an intense Google search this morning confirmed my answer. The drug I'm taking to put structure into my life, was the seed that destroyed me.

Of course, I feel so stupid for not recognizing it sooner. It's a friggin' amphetamine. Legal. But, amphetamine just the same. The worst part is I had no idea it created the effects I've been experiencing.

It's obviously not the be all and end all to my problems, but it may be a root cause. I'll type up a post in the future about it in detail, but for now I need to head to class. Where I'll try not to think about things that'll make me cry. Afterall, I have to head to my mom's house after class and that'll give me plenty of time for tears. It'll also provide me with an empty house for 2 days so I can simultaneously cry and work on my presentation/paper.

Because, let's be honest, sporadically breaking into tears in the library would solicit unwanted attention.


"Always there every time you need me
It ain’t love but just like nicotine
You’re addicted to a feeling you can only get
From me and your cigarettes"
-Miranda Lambert