Cease To Amaze.

I've experienced snow for 27 years of my life. And yet, somehow, it always makes me super-childlike-excited to see it fall. It puts that look on my face. Wide-eyed with a mouth-closed slightly crooked grin. Like I'm simultaneously happy and mischievous. Contemplating how long it'll be before I can throw a snowball at you.

What I don't like is when the very light snow flutteries (Yes, flutteries) are accompanied by gusts of fierce winds. It's very scary outside my window tonight.


"Like the thing that you tried that you thought that you liked
For a minute then it all felt wrong
So you change it again all your clothes, all your friends
It's the same as it ever was"
-Monsters of Folk

Dear Florida,

This weekend, I hate your guts more than ever!

Yours Truly,
This Midwestern 'Noles Girl


"F-L-O-R-I-D-A S-T-A-T-E
Florida State! Florida State! Florida State!
Wooooo!"
-Fight Song

At Least I Wasn't Cooking For A Crowd.

Since I cook mostly for myself, even meat laden poultry carcasses, there's room for error. Usually, when making myself a Thanksgiving turkey, my error is in the thawing. Basically, I forget to do it within a reasonable time frame.

But, this year. Oh this year.

I started thawing that sucker on Monday. However, at just over 11 pounds, it was still a bit icey this morning, so I let in soak in an ice bath. Eventually, I opened up the Butterball plastic and was greeted with ice chips in the cavity. I stuck my hand in to pull out the bag of guts to find the neck was frozen solid, so I pulled out the package of guts, contorting the frozen neck to pull it out. I then stuck my hand in the cavity to remove the ice chips and rinsed out the aforementioned cavity.

Know what my error was this year? Friggin' giblet baggie!

Apparently, the giblets were in their own baggie, not the neck baggie, but since I took out a baggie, stuck my hand through the bird and rinsed it out, it never occurred to me to check for a second baggie. Since I don't use guts & necks, the bag goes directly into the trash and I don't even look inside.

Do you know how amateur of an error that is? I've cooked at least 5 turkeys all by myself and this is the first time I've ever cooked the bag of guts! I would've been embarrassed, but it's not like there were familial witnesses who will joke about this for years to come.

Thank Goodness.

The real kicker is this morning I was reading a list of quick-fixes for Thanksgiving mistakes and one was cooking the bag of giblets/neck. I thought to myself, "How do you not take out the bag? How silly."

Silly me.

"I wasn't ready to go
I'm never ready to go
Twenty-seven years of nothin' but failures and promises that I couldn't keep
Oh Lord, I wasn't ready to go
I'm never ready to go
Let it ride. Let it ride easy down the road
Let it ride. Let it take away all of the darkness
Let it ride. Let it rock me in the arms of strangers, angels until it brings me home
Let it ride. Let it roll. Let it go"
-Ryan Adams & the Cardinals

Biggest Bar Night Of The Year?

Who doesn't have plans? This girl.

Apparently, moving back to College Town didn't provide for more social interaction. Or, maybe I just get more loserish with age. Of course, the reason doesn't matter because regardless the outcome is I don't have anything to do tonight. Just like every other night.

How did this happen?

"Did it again, love, I got it all wrong
But it felt so right, I can't believe it
And all the mistakes that went on for too long
Wish there was a way I could delete it"
-Shakira

How Very Peculiar.

I've been off of Adderall XR for just over two weeks now. I'm thinking more than I have in years. I actually have the ability to take case law and make it fit my thoughts. For the first time in a very long time, I actually feel my self-worth!

For the first time in a long time, I'm starting to feel like me.

It's all so very strange.

Welcome, but strange.


"She's as pretty as a picture
Every bit as funny as she is smart
Got a smile that'll hold you together
And a touch that'll tear you apart
When she's yours she brings the sunshine
When she's gone the world goes dark
Yeah she's heaven on the eyes
But boy she's hell on the heart"
-Eric Church

In Jest.

Friend: "Aww, maybe you're actually a hopeless romantic"
kittlekat: "I am NOT a hopeless romantic!"

I'm just hopeless.


"Your clothes are dirty but your hands are clean.
And I'm the best thing that you've ever seen.
(Stay lady stay, stay with your man awhile.)
Why wait any longer for the world to begin?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
(Why wait any longer for the one you love?
I am standin' in front of you.)"
-Magnet featuring Gemma Hayes

Here Come The Holidays.

Last night, while I sat at home alone on a Friday, I couldn't help but think of what everybody else was doing. The start of the holiday celebration at our capital. Couples watching the lighting of the tree. People my age married, taking their children out for the start of the season. Girls out with their girlfriends, laughing at the bar. I even thought about what Boy could be doing, and that thought isn't good at all. Overall, I may've had one mini-crying jag that lasted not even a minute before I told myself, "Don't be stupid, these aren't things worth crying over. Pull yourself together, crazy!"

For me, quite frankly, the holiday season sucks. It throws my lack of social connection, emotional detachment, and loneliness in my face. It's like an entire 2 month period where every day I look in the mirror and staring back at me is a big fat loser. An incompetent girl who may never be able to connect with anyone. A girl disheartened by her circumstances.

I genuinely like the holidays so usually I manage to pull myself together and be grateful for what I do have. I try my best to make the best of the season. Alone or not. I've gotten pretty good at celebrating by myself.

But this year? This year I'm quitting. This year I'm going to allow myself to scrooge it up. I'm going to allow myself to be weak.

This year I'm going to start my own tradition and go see a movie on Christmas Day. After all, I never have anything to do but sit home alone, I might as well give my mind something to think about other than the fact I'm home alone.

Okay, so maybe I just really want to see Nine, but I'm totally going to play the emo card.

Just because I can.

"The fire is slowly dying,
And, my dear, we're still goodbye-ing,
But as long as you love me so,
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!"
-Various Artists

I had a bunny once...

He talked back by stomping. Usually when in his cage so the flat plastic bottom of his cage would create a resounding crash. For effect, of course.

He was a funny bunny.


"I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt
It's been one week since you looked at me
Threw your arms in the air and said you're crazy
Five days since you tackled me
I've still got the rug burns on both my knees"
-Barenaked Ladies

Two Weeks.

Two weeks ago today I stopped taking Adderall XR.

You can read about how I came to that decision in a previous post. However, I didn't go into detail about the reasoning. You see, through my voracious searching I discovered adderall xr could be a culprit for a lot of the things I thought were just me being ridiculous. I've read hundreds of stories from people telling their tales about their experiences, good & bad. Some things stood out as side effects I could see in myself. These include: irritated, stressed, anger, rage, talkativeness, incessant talking, tense muscles, tense body, tense in general, impulsiveness, among other things. Then there was a story from one girl that really made me wonder why I never realized part of my problem could be the adderall xr. She said she'd always been pretty mellow, never had many feelings, but the medicine made her have intense feelings, she'd talk but couldn't stop talking & had never been much of a talker, and she would get out of control mad and agitated and irritated.

Now don't get me wrong, before you roll your eyes, I'm not one of those anti-drug zealots. I promise. I'm not blaming the drug for anything, it's just helpful to me to figure out things that've been going on with me for a long time.

In addition, I could pinpoint things like when I go to Boy's I usually take my full dose, which is generally double what I take on an average daily basis. No good.

One thing that's tough for me to admit is whenever I take adderall xr, I have an urge to drink alcohol, to soften the edginess of the effects. And, when I take the full dose, the edge doesn't go away so I drink until I don't remember and continue to drink because the edge won't go away. I've actually been a bit worried that the alcoholism gene was rearing it's head and I was venturing down that dark path.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because I need to get it out, to share.

You should know there are people who have no idea who I am when I'm not on an amphetamine. Even Boy doesn't, granted for the first couple of months I was on a very low dose, he probably doesn't even remember me then because of how horrible I've been since.

In sum, I've quit taking it. Last Monday I did not take my dose and haven't taken any since then. I didn't talk to my doctor about it. I didn't gradually lower my dose. I just quit taking it. Which would probably lead most people to an epic fail, but I've managed, mostly fine.

The plan has always been to try cognitive behavior therapy, but I've never had the time or money. So, part of my Get Right plan, which will be discussed in a later post, will include setting aside time & money to do behavior therapy.

Now, what differences have I seen since stopping Adderall XR?

Some Pros: I'm starting to actually feel like me. In control. Less tense. Less sad. More mellow. Significantly less talkative. Less effected by things. No frickin' crashes, the last of which was a horrendous one I had my last Sunday with Boy since I accidentally took an extra 1/2 dose on that Saturday. Most importantly, no urge to drink! Thank goodness I'm not on my road to alcoholism!

Some Cons: What was I talking about? Yes, my absent-mindedness is increasing exponentially, severely tired, shyness rearing its ugly head, inability to focus on homework. It takes me like 5 times as long to do homework. Frustration at my inability to focus.

I may start using the lower dose I was on originally, 3 years ago. It seemed to help my focus without making me crazy. Plus, I have a huge paper to finish writing and law school exams coming up, I really need to focus. I think I may go back on Strattera, but I remember it makes me incredibly tired for the first 2-weeks and with every dosage change, so I need to wait until winter break. Or, I may continue with an extremely low-dose of Adderall XR and if at anytime I take more than I should, I'll stop using it. I mean, what was I thinking? I'm the girl who took recreational drugs in half the dose most people take. Why didn't I weed out the adderall xr sooner? I'm so stupid.

Moral of this story: Even legal amphetamines are amphetamines and even smart girls can forget that fact.


"With some good red wine and my brand new shoes
Gonna dance a blue streak around my living room
Take a chance on love and try how it feels
With my heart wide open now you know I will
Find what it means to be the girl
Who changed her mind and changed her world"
-Sugarland

Not Even Kidding!

Me: "Wanna go see a movie tonight?"
Other: "Nah, can't, I have plans."
Me:"Oh, okay"
Other:"Besides, it's Friday the 13th, with your luck shouldn't you be locking yourself up indoors and just trying to survive the date?"
Me:"Dude! A black cat totally RAN RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY CAR TODAY."
Other:"It did not! You're joking!"

It was not a joke. A black cat totally ran right in front of my car today. On Friday the 13th.

Bad luck? I have it.

"To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream."
-Incubus

Home for the Holidays.

Via text,

Little Sister: "Are you going to family holiday dinner this year?"
kittlekat: "Yes, and so are you. There's not an excuse good enough to get you out of it."
Little Sister: "Yea right. You'll ditch me for Kansas."
kittlekat: "I'm no longer bothering Boy. It's time to let him move on with his life."
Little Sister: "lol, well like they say there are more fish in the sea haha And my friend Joe thinks you're hot."
kittlekat: "Thank him for the compliment, but I think I'm going to make 25 my minimum age requirement, or maybe 28."

I haven't been nearly as emo as I've indicated in my posts. I keep thinking I'm going to have a bad night but I'm managing to keep it together. Tonight though, I'm starting to feel. I hate frickin' feeling.

On the bright side, new Bones tonight! Last night my roommate came home and saw me watching Criminal Minds, she said, "It's so strange to see you actually watching tv!" because generally I watch tv while doing homework instead of actively watching anything. But, Bones, Criminal Minds, and Law & Order (new episodes) can usually garner my attention for an hour. That is, if I'm actually home AND remember when they're on.

Big hurdles, fo' sho'.

"I'm only a woman
Of flesh and bone
And I wept much
We all do
I thought I might die alone
But I had never, never, never, never,
never, never, never, never, never, never,
never met you
So baby be good to me"
-Rilo Kiley

We Can't Go Back.

I used to be so good at being alone.

Now I just get so,

...lonely.

The tears I managed not to shed last night as I struggled to sleep may just not let me escape their wrath tonight.

Why can't I just be....nevermind, it's no matter.


"Talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to know
She tells herself, oh
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along"
-Pearl Jam

Good & Bad.

Official opening of college basketball season! I'm in class until 9:30, then I have to get groceries, plus I don't have a tv in my bedroom and my roommates don't watch basketball anyway, let alone obscure beginning-of-season basketball games.

Managed to keep it together last week & weekend. However, spent all but two nights at my mom's where I can zone out in front of the tv with nobody around to encroach on my space.

It's ridiculously warm for the northern midwest in November. It's dark when I leave work.

Recently contacted by Blue Eyes. Pretty sure randomly hearing from Blue Eyes, th guy who I was falling for who met his most serious girl ever shortly after we stopped frequent contact is not the omen I need shortly after promising to stop contacting Boy.

Remembering to call my dad to ask if he can bring my bed up to my new place. Forgetting it's Special Hunting Season and being greeted by his liquor drenched, but too kind, words

Tonight there was soft rain falling upon my windshield as I drove to class. Nobody to cuddle with on the couch when I get home.

I think tonight is going to be a rough lonely night when I settle into bed.

Harrumph!

"If this is my last chance to love you
I’m gonna play it like a grown man ought to
If I only got one shot to win you
Then call me Jordan 4th quarter in '92"
-Ginuwine

True To Form.

About a month ago, a guy started sitting next to me in my late class. The seats on both sides of me were empty, actually 2 seats on each side of me. Anyway, we've exchanged a comment here or there about the assignment, but last week we conversed a bit.

It all started when he caught a glimpse of the pink & brown Hello Kitty bag the guy who sits in front of us carries. Yes, GUY.

So we chatted a bit. He's an older part-time student who actually has a job, not just part-time because he couldn't get accepted into full-time (like most part-timers at my school). I should also note he's married with children, so it's not what you think. This is what he said to me after we chatted a bit, keep in mind, I'm honest and observant of humanity,

"I like you. You're funny, a little jaded, but funny."

A little jaded indeed!


"I ain't been goin' nowhere for quite awhile
Can't tell the truth in a house of lies
Can't explain what I don't know
One shot, one beer and a kiss before I go"
-Ryan Adams

None.

Icey.

Are you ever so disappointed in your lack of effort in school work that you're actually ashamed of what you presented to the entire class? Like you can't believe you're so slothful and self-damaging that you can't even put in the effort to complete homework. Huge part of your grade homework. I've been doing this for the entirety of my academic career, and every time it makes me feel like crap. I sometimes even attempt to do things ahead of time, but I never quite focus and end up waiting until the last minute, even after the last minute, stay up all night stressed out and produce complete twaddle. Yes, twaddle. It's not that I don't have the ability to churn out good work and get good grades, it's that I don't apply myself. At all.

I tend to be a huge fat fail at productivity.

Just another thing I'll address in my attempt to get my life together. But enough woe-is-me since you must be utterly sick of it. I figured I'd break up all of the emo with an observance from last night that will probably just confirm I'm so strange. Not that you need more confirmation.

I have a rather large fingerprint/hand bruise of the side of my abdomen/back and it hurts quite a bit. So, after I got home from class last night, I wrapped an ice pack around it and settled into the couch. Contorted into an awkward position and holding my hoodie so it wouldn't touch the side of the ice pack that wasn't touching my back. Why didn't I just lie back on the couch with the ice pack between me and the couch? Why was I taking it one step further and not letting my sweatshirt fall over the ice pack?

Short Answer: Because I'm crazy.

I'm kind of hoping somebody will be reading this and justify that my belief is true, or at the very least that they do the same thing. However, I think the possibility of that is slim. You see, I have this belief about heating pads and ice packs. Particularly ice packs since they aren't continuously generating cool like heating pads are heat. I think that if something is on the other side of the ice pack, such as my hoodie over the ice pack on my back, it'll suck half of the coolness and my ice pack will melt twice as fast. I also think it'll draw half of the coolness/heat away from the site of my pain and therefore lessen the effectiveness of the ice pack or heating pad.

I like to think this belief has a basis in reason. Okay, maybe not.

See? Crazy.


"Quiero tu solo
No es lo mismo
Por eso espero
Huele mi cuerpo
Tú, mil y tantas
El tiempo pasa
No quiero otro"
-Nelly Furtado

Nervous Nelly.

Great big HUGE presentation tomorrow morning. Sick just thinking about it. During my academic career I've dropped numerous classes because they required a presentation. No joke.

Also can't figure out if I'm so upset because I know there's no more Boy, or if it's because I know it's all my fault. I'm the one who's bat-shit crazy. I'm the one who ruins everything. I'm so ashamed and guilty. If he were to read this, I know he'd make that irritated noise and say...

Get Over It!

I will, eventually. I've no other choice.

P.S. My new roommate in the room next to mine, the one with thin walls, has been talking on her phone since I got home at 10. I hope this isn't a nightly routine. She has a loud voice. And she giggles, a lot. Ah well, can't fault somebody for being happy.

"You were meant for me
I believe you were sent to me
From a dream straight into my arms
Hold your body close to me
You mean the most to me
We will keep each other safe from harm"
-Ben Harper

Day One.

I'm too busy to cry. Way too busy. But, I'm permanently on the verge of tears. I may've smiled once or twice today, but then I came home after work, dark clouds looming overhead figuratively & literally. All I want to do is curl up into a big sobbing mess.

But, that's not going to magically make me better.

Fortunately, I had a good deal of time yesterday to think about myself. I also had a window seat on both of my flights so my tears were easy to hide. I should've been doing homework, but instead I was pouring over memories of the first couple months I met Boy. I pinpointed that time frame as when I took a flying leap into Crazy. I've always figured it was him, us, that made me this way. So unstable. Falling for a guy I totally had no interest in falling for, trying so hard and being so irritated because I just COULD NOT accept the fact I was falling for him. Then finally being left heartbroken. Unwanted. Not good enough.

Like, seriously, can I get some other pattern in life? Why does it always have to be people crushing me?

Anyway, I thought & thought & thought & thought & thought some more over what the heck happened to me. Well, it finally occurred to me that there was one other thing that in my life at that time and an intense Google search this morning confirmed my answer. The drug I'm taking to put structure into my life, was the seed that destroyed me.

Of course, I feel so stupid for not recognizing it sooner. It's a friggin' amphetamine. Legal. But, amphetamine just the same. The worst part is I had no idea it created the effects I've been experiencing.

It's obviously not the be all and end all to my problems, but it may be a root cause. I'll type up a post in the future about it in detail, but for now I need to head to class. Where I'll try not to think about things that'll make me cry. Afterall, I have to head to my mom's house after class and that'll give me plenty of time for tears. It'll also provide me with an empty house for 2 days so I can simultaneously cry and work on my presentation/paper.

Because, let's be honest, sporadically breaking into tears in the library would solicit unwanted attention.


"Always there every time you need me
It ain’t love but just like nicotine
You’re addicted to a feeling you can only get
From me and your cigarettes"
-Miranda Lambert

Mulligan.

I barely even feel like myself anymore and I need to revamp my life so I figured I'd start with this blog. Not to be all psycho-babbley, but I'm never going to be okay unless I confront my inner child. It's impossible to erase the emotional scars, but I don't have to be defined by them.

But, man, I never wanted to face her. To look in her big wide eyes and staring back at me is all of that loneliness. To see that forlornness.

Oh if I could, I would go to her bedroom at night. Just when she was perfecting the fine art of crying almost silently. Another night, awoken by the yelling. In her small 2 bedroom house, the thin bedroom door did nothing to muffle the shouting. She had no idea it isn't how people are supposed to treat each other. Things would never really improve until she left for college, but eventually she just stopped feeling.

That hapless little girl. I would tell her all she really needed was one thing as I pull her into a hug and hold her.

It's such a simple thing. To know somebody's there for her. Somebody cared.


"Hey tomorrow you've gotta believe that
I'm through wastin' what's left of me
'Cause night is fallin' and the dawn is callin'
I'll have a new day if she'll have me"
-Jim Croce