Soooooooo absent-minded.

Yesterday evening I made myself dinner. I put the leftovers in a container to take to work for lunch today. I do not work today. The entire company has the day off.

Why am I so absent-minded?

Also drank too much last night. Embarrassingly so. Alone. Ashamed of myself. As usual.

Why am I worthy of the air I breathe?

Alone tonight for New Year's Eve.

I'm such a stellar girl.

Or, an incredibly sad & alone girl.

Whichever.

"I've grown tired of that place;
won't you come with me?
We could start again."
-Incubus

Shyness or Social Anxiety?

Tonight, I'm going to a holiday dinner for work. I only work with 3 other people. Only a few others we do business with were invited. There are like, 15 people max. I've been working there for almost 3 years.

But, I'm nervous. Incredibly nervous.

Plus, since I'm single I'll obviously be arriving alone. Arriving places alone is one of those shy things that makes my stomach a bit queasy.

This would be so much easier if I had a boyfriend. Or fiance. Or husband. But I don't. So oh well.

I leave in an hour. The feeling of distress starts now.

"When the conversation stops and we’re facing our defeat
I’ll be next to you and you’ll be right there next to me
Then I’ll say
Girl,if you’re wondering if I want you to (I want you to)
I want you to (I want you to)
I swear it’s true (swear it's true) "
-Weezer

Oh boy!

Okay, so recently I mentioned reconnecting with 2 of my exes. One of them was my very first (and still my favorite) younger lover. He's also the smartest guy I've ever dated, and very calm, but he finds himself in, ummmmm....situations. Ridiculous situations. Like me, only a number of his have a tendency to involve law enforcement. We've even been in ridiculous situations together (not involving law enforcement, thank goodness). Anyway, we never dated and we'll never be sexually involved again. We haven't really contacted each other in a couple of years. But, he cracks me up and recently we started chatting. Besides, how can I not adore somebody who randomly compares me to characters in James Joyce novels and ends e-mails with sentences like this, "Eventually I and only I was arrested. This is all I know."

Anyway, I'll post more detail about him later, including the night we met when I was pushed down into the street in Canada. True Story. Or, perhaps the time I learned how old he was, or in this case, wasn't. Also, a true story. Way too off-topic. Sorry. What I really want to talk about is that other ex with whom I've been in contact. Unlike the fellow mentioned above, this guy and I...well, it's complicated to explain. I'll just sum up the situation with excerpts from an e-mail exchange between BFF & me:

kittlekat:[Mentioned situation with Boy]...Don't get too ahead of yourself in praising me though. Mr. BMo (yes, videotaped-me BMo) has offered to drive up to Vegas on Sunday to visit me/stay night in Vegas on Sunday. And, coincidentally, there aren't any good cheap flights out of Vegas on Sunday, but there sure are on Monday. This is where I need you to say..."DON'T DO IT KITTLEKAT! DO! NOT! DO! IT!" haha

BFF: Yes, obviously very pleased to hear you're not torturing yourself with Boy anymore, but BMo??? BMo?? I know we're the reigning queens of bad decisions, but come on!! Given the choice between the two evils, I'd be happier to hear you're still talking to Boy rather than the guy who made a poorly-executed attempt at videotaping you! ::sigh:: Here's hoping you'll make the right decision - remember, if you get married at some point over the weekend, I'll take full responsibility; but if you find yourself hitched the day after I leave, you're on your own! hahaha

kittlekat: I'm not sure there's enough alcohol in Vegas to make marrying BMo sound like a good idea. He just.....doesn't have any personality haha

Seriously though, tickets to Vegas are ridiculous from HomeState. How is it not tempting to take an ex up on his offer to stay another night in a hotel instead of in the airport? I'm thinking that the fact I even had to ask my Blog that question exemplifies why I'm perpetually single.

"My mind is telling me no but my body my body's telling me yes
I (baby) don't want to hurt nobody
But there is something that I must confess..."
-R. Kelly

Jack On The Rocks. Tall. Very Tall.

So I was hoping this weekend could be in celebration of the end of the semester. However, there's nothing to celebrate. I panicked on my paper and it turned out terrible. Then, there was my Evidence exam. My Evidence exam that included 80 true/false questions.

No, I don't want to talk about it.

Now, I'm off to look for people to hang out with.

Hopefully, I'll find somebody willing.

Hopefully.

"I’m not running,
It’s a little different now
‘Cause one of us is going
One of us is going down"
-Sick Puppies

Turn It Off!

My roommate sets her alarm to go off intermittently for hours before she actually has to get up. I'm not exaggerating. This wouldn't be so unbearable except sometimes it takes her soooo long to hit the sleep timer. It also wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't quite so loud.

She has it set to radio, and I've already heard 4 songs.

I mean, it's 6:14a.m. for crying out loud. Lady Gaga before sunrise is not my idea of a good morning. Oh well, maybe I'll just go into work super early and leave early.

But, I am so very tired.

"I'm your biggest fan
I'll follow you until you love me
Papa-Paparazzi
Baby there's no other superstar
You know that I'll be your-
Papa-Paparazzi"

A Kittlekat Classic.

If you happen to know me in real life, this little story will, at most, make you sigh and shake your head. If you do not know me in real life, you'll probably wonder if my natural hair color is blond (It's not, I swear!).

My mind tends to overlook details. Last week, I made loose plans to go out to watch my alma mater play tonight. I have an exam tomorrow night but figured grabbing a beer, some grub, and watching a game would be a good break in my studies.

Today, I solidified those plans. I looked on the internet for the time of the game. At first I looked at the today's games listing on the main page of a sports website, but my team wasn't listed. I thought, "hmmmm how odd, why isn't our game listed?" So I went to the team site, got the time. However, there's was a game listed before the game I wanted to see tonight, I thought, "hmmmm why isn't the score posted for that Saturday game?" I then clicked on the opposing team to get their main page to see if the score was listed. It was not. While all that was going on, I made plans to meet at the bar tonight in time for the game. Smooth sailing, right?

The game is NEXT Tuesday.

TO BE FAIR, the person I was going to meet didn't realize it either so it wasn't just my absent-mind that was responsible for this oversight. On the other hand, I wasn't the one who figured out the mistake. I totally would've showed up at that bar tonight ready to watch the game.

Exam tomorrow! Hopefully my mind is in a better condition tomorrow.

"Kill your doubt
With the coldest of weapons, confidence.
No more words, ohhh
just the sound of resplendent
tongues colliding."
-Incubus

Family Fun.

My family holiday dinner was yesterday. There was a very low turnout. Regardless, 2 of my aunts had a great idea to have professional photos taken since we haven't had one in, well, 20 years maybe. My dad has 5 brothers, no sisters, but one of my uncles was absent. And, grandchildren? Fewer than half of us were there. But, the photos were taken. Photos for a gift to the grandparents.

We are not a photo friendly family.

The photographer was earning her money. Can you imagine posing burly men? Can you imagine posing a family consisting of people who routinely make wise-cracks. Wise-cracks that cause half of the family to turn red, because that's what happens when they laugh.

It was an experience.

An experience fo' sho'.

Additionally, one of my uncles used to always record our Christmas get-togethers (we used to have them until Grandma canceled Christmas 5 years ago, true story). Well yesterday, he was playing them on the tv throughout the dinner. Oh my goodness. I had no idea I was quite so scrawny. Somehow, I've always thought of my younger self as reasonably sized. Skinny, but reasonable. In actuality I was pretty much all hair and clothing, with an occasional glimpse of my teeny arm stretching from within the sleeve of my sweatshirts.

On the other hand, it was a good time making fun of Little Sister's feathered bangs!

Also, there was only one, "We didn't think you'd be here this year, we figured you'd be in Kansas!" I thought I'd get more crap than that since last year I missed Family Holiday Dinner because I was visiting Boy in Kansas, but luckily, my family's memory must be as bad as mine.

Ohh family.

"If she seems cold and bitter then I beg of you
Just stop and consider all she's goin' through
Don't be quick to condemn her for things she might say
Just remember life turned her that way"
-George Jones

Out Of The Gutter.

Only one more exam to go! Then, starting next Thursday, a crash course in imbibing. Mmmmmmm beer. Also, may or may not've started re-communicating with yet another ex-lover. Seriously, somebody needs to hit me with a brick. Fortunately, all of my exes live in other states so temptation requires plane tickets or long drives. Convenient, no?

Be good, kittlekat.

I've been on a health & exercise kick, attempting to design something that'll work for me. To tone my body overall and make my stomach/intestines happier. Well, on oodles of blogs, websites, diet plans, etc., people always mention protein shakes.

Come on! Tell me you don't smirk when you see or hear the term, "protein shake."

"They say that love is hell,
But I've been laughin' ever since I fell
It's only gonna make you love me more
The lord will have his way, but I'm just a call away
It's only gonna make you love me more"
-Ryan Adams

Stressed the frick out.

Paper due, paper due, paper due, paper due, paper due, paper due.

That's all that's been going on in my head.

And it sucks.

"You don't believe his stories
You know that they're all lies
Mad as you are, you stick around
and I just don't know why"
-Mario

Not What I Needed To Hear Right Now.

I was excited because a change in my employment meant I could actually afford health insurance through my employer. To enroll or make changes to health insurance, you have to have an employment change (promotion, etc), life event, or wait for open enrollment. My employment change meant I could sign up. So I did. Even received my prescription card in the mail last week.

I very much looked forward to having good insurance again. I was excited to make a change in the birth control I take, since mine makes me The Crazy Emo for one week per month. I was looking forward to changing my ADD meds and trying cognitive behavior therapy. I was looking forward to visiting my allergist to restart allergy control meds and get new prescriptions for an inhaler and epi-pen. Most of all, I was looking forward to being able to afford to go to the doctor when I'm sick, or say, when I have a self-diagnosed broken foot.

Too soon, kittlekat.

I was contacted today by Benefits. I can enroll in health insurance, but it'll be back dated. That's the only way. I had 60 days to make a change, but regardless of when you sign up, it gets back dated to the event that allowed for the change. That means I'll owe a ridiculous amount of money to enroll. That's on top of the cash already spent on the minuscule (but not cheap) individual insurance I purchase so I don't go bankrupt in case I ever need to be hospitalized. Even if I could scrape up the funds, I can't justify spending 2-months worth of rent on insurance that I never had the ability to use. I just don't have that type of leeway in my budget. So I have to wait for open enrollment...in July.

Every bone in my body wants to scream, "JUST MY LUCK!" However, I will refrain. Instead, I shall look on the bright side: At least they're letting me unenroll instead of taking all of that money out of my upcoming paychecks.

Besides, it serves me right for looking forward to something. I should've known better. Duh!

I kind of want to cry, but I don't have any stress to spare because this paper of mine is due tomorrow. Talk about bad timing.

"Cause you can't feel my anger
you can't feel my pain
you can't feel my torment
driving me insane
I can't fight these feelings
they will bring you pain
you can't take away
make me whole again"
-Staind

Cowering On the Edge of Miserable. Trying not to fall in.

Stress mostly. Paper due Thursday, but I'm so upset over it because no matter what I do I'm not going to get a good grade. It's the way my school is structured. I need serious help to figure out how to be a good legal writer, but the only way to get help is to take a class where a paper is the grade for the class. It's super frustrating.

I wish I had any type of support system, like mentally/emotionally, even a teeny tiny support system. Even a one person support system. Today, I was so desperate I attempted to talk to my mother. It lasted less than a few minutes and made me feel even more horrible.

My mom is supportive financially. Emotionally/mentally I'd have to say she's the exact opposite of supportive. It's always been this way. In other words, I should've known trying to talk to her about anything would blow up in my face.

UGH.

In random observance , I'm really glad Texts From Last Night wasn't popular when I was in college. Though I'm sure I composed many worth sharing with the world.

And, yes, right this very moment, I'm procrastinating on a whole new level.

Structure? I need it.


"Now baby holla at me tell me what U miss'n
I can put in work from every position
From the kitchen table, 2 the bedroom floor"
-Jamie Foxx

Meltdown City.

I've been off of the adderall xr for just over a month now. I'm sure you're all probably sick of hearing about it, but in the last month there were more okay days than emo days and it felt really good. I was starting to feel good about myself. I was less crazy overall and it was awesome.

However, with exams & my paper, I decided to refill my prescription. Actually, my mom had it refilled and she didn't know there wasn't much of a price difference between the original and generic, so she bought the generic. The generic is just called, "Amphetamine ER," talk about throwing things in your face.

So I took it, and it sucked. It's still sucking. Right now I'm feeling the come down from it. My body is incredibly tense. I just feel irritable in general. Yesterday, I felt above and beyond emo. I HAD to have a drink to take the edge off. Wow, the edge? I'm not really sure if this generic causes more of an edgy feeling or if I'm just used to not feeling it anymore so it's markedly noticeable. Either way, I feel much crappier emotionally than I have in weeks and with all of that feeling going on, I still didn't focus better on school work. I was too busy being emo and irritable.

This is totally not worth it. By going off of it for a month and then trying it again, I am certain it has played a large part in why I hate myself so much. With the holidays here, I just can't put myself through it again now that I know I can feel good despite my current lonely circumstances.

In the last 48 hours, I've felt lonelier than I have in the past month and that's stupid.

I can do better. I will do better.

"You rescued me
Saved my life just in time
Saw past all my issues and scars
And made me try"
-Carrie Underwood

"So when are you moving in?"

Last night after work I went to Cousin & Cousin-in-law's to take their Christmas card photo. I also decided to make them dinner. And, of course, I wanted to play with the baby! I made them homemade chicken pot pie. While we were eating, Cousin-in-law said I should make the pot pies (I made them in the tiny pie plates) in a variety of types, like pizza.

Yuck. Pizza in a typical Crisco laden pie crust sounds absolutely disgusting.

Also, Cousin was attempting to get a photo with the three of them, 2 english bulldogs, and 2 cats. Well, one cat decided to just sit under the Christmas tree, unseen, for the photo. One bulldog could barely keep herself away from the runner rug (the tree was on tile and she hates non-carpet floors, she walks backwards on harder floors). So I took some photos. One, in particular, shows chaos.

I think they should use the chaos photo. It's a perfect example of a family with a new baby.

Then, I went home. Alone. To be all by myself. Drank a whiskey on the rocks. And moped about. No studying or paper writing accomplished.

So today, all studying, no moping!

P.S. Way too much texting with an ex. More on that in a future post. But, way too much contacting.

"Now I would like to take you for a ride
Girl you know we'll have so much fun
And give you everything your body needs
Satisfaction guarantee"
-R.Kelly

Ground Covering Snow!

That is all.

"Still I ain't seen mine No I ain't seen mine
I've been giving just ain't been gettin'
I've been walking that there line
So I think I'll keep on walking with my head held high
I'll keep moving on and only God knows why"
-Kid Rock

Big No No

I used to be the sole law student who didn't take my laptop to class, mostly because I take better notes with pen & paper.

Right this very second, I'm blogging from class! Definitely bad for notetaking.

At least it's my last class for the semester. Tomorrow begins STRESSing over exams and one big paper. Ugh.

Oh! I reconnected with a very old dear friend who I intentionally haven't spoken to in almost 6 years, so look for a post about that in the near future.

Plus, follow me as I plan my 10-year high school reunion. As well as make a promise to myself to do a wildly popular fitness dvd for 30 days in order to not be chunky in time for Vegas.

Now back to learning about Rules for the next hour & 40 minutes.

"She didn't beg oh, not enough
She didn't stay when things got tough
I told a lie and she got mad
She wasn't there when things got bad"
-Phish