That Feeling of Shame. Guilt.

Is it an addiction yet?

I'm not sure, but if it's not, I don't want it to develop into an addiction. The most worrisome aspect is that I can see my father's drinking habits reflected in my own drinking and he is definitely an alcoholic. I don't know what to do so I think I'm going to use rewards. I'll explain the details in a future post. Hopefully.

Yes, I have such an alcohol problem that I have to convince myself to actively combat what feels like an impending doom of alcoholism. It'll go into effect immediately and if it works I will be so relieved. If it doesn't work, the next step will be to just stop drinking altogether. My dad's brother did that when he was about my age, presumably because he was facing the same thing I am right now. Child of an alcoholic, making the choice to not turn out like the parent. I'm perfectly fine not drinking, I've never absolutely had to have a drink, but I've been justifying my alcohol abuse for too long. I've told myself 50 times, "I'll try really hard not to do this again."

I need to stop trying and start doing.

I think I've been self-medicating, but I'm not entirely sure what exactly is wrong with me. I suppose I'll have to figure that out and I'm sure it'll suck. I know I've been drinking to hide from emotion, but it's really only wreaked more emotional havoc. More emotional havoc equals more drinking.

I need help.

I've been trying to publish this post for a very long time, but it's a difficult thing to admit. I didn't want it out there on the web because that makes is seem so real.

Unfortunately, it is real, and it's time to stop.

(Luckily, I'm in an airport right now so I haven't crumpled into a ball of tears and self-loathing, but oh do I want to. Do I ever want to).

I just want to be okay. Not happy. Not loved. Not lucky. Not even content.

Just okay.

"I'm all alone now and I feel just fine
I don't feel much like doing anything
True love ain't that hard to find
Not that either one of us will ever know
Would you lay here for awhile?
Please, do not let me go"
-Ryan Adams

OMG!

Just checked outside our hotel room door to see if they left a non-feather pillow for me since I requested one, but forgot we put the privacy sign up, and guess what?

BFF and I ordered room service for dinner and put the table/cart outside of our door in the hallway.

Somebody VOMITED onto it! All over the table/linens/tray. How would you like to clean vomit off of a cloth-linen table and dishware? Gross. On the other hand, I guess at least the person didn't throw up on the carpet in the hallway.

Day Whatever.

BFF and I have been pretty much lost time-wise. We've also only eaten 3 times since we arrived on Wednesday. It's so strange. I blame the desert.

I discovered I'm very fond of blackjack. Though I'm too shy to try to play at a table. I often find myself hitting when I should clearly stand.

Heart blackjack. But it doesn't heart me. Playing $5 minimum bet blackjack is brutal.

Addictive, but brutal.

Vegas is much more expensive than I expected ($10 Jack on the rocks? wtf?), but I think it's a place I could visit again with friends. Or, hopefully a boy who could show me the ropes of gambling and point-spreads.

Dressed up very trashy tonight & made BFF take a picture. Me in Vegas looks nothing like what I would wear in the upper midwest.

I'm now 28 years old, though I've been carded numerous times here (BFF was called Miley Cyrus tonight, so I'd like to note she clearly looks younger than me.) I am 28 years old and nowhere near where I thought(hoped) I'd be at this point in my life. I need to accept who I am and how my life will be in order to become more developed.

We survived another unsupervised night in Vegas!

Only one more to go.

Sad.

Day 2.

BFF & I just woke up from a blackout. The strange part is we don't recall being blackout drunk. We went from zero to shit-canned in a drink of Jack.

As far as we can tell we didn't do anything all that bad. Just passed out in our room. This is totally not normal for us so I can't help but be a little paranoid.

What did I do? Was it bad?

I suck as a person.

3 To Go.

I'm happy to report BFF & I survived our first night in Vegas (her birthday). Unchaperoned. Our only mini-debacle was me getting threatened to be kicked out of Harrah's if I didn't show my id because I was mistaken for under-21.

I'll be 28 tomorrow FOR THE RECORD!

Also, since BFF is a year younger than me, you'd think that she'd have the problem with looking too young.

Nope, just me last night.

NOT. FAIR!

I can't sleep. The sun is out. Want to sleep, but can't.

Booooooooo!

I'm A Wreck.

No, really. I'm a wreck. I have the ability to change things and yet I keep returning to the bottle. I don't have to drink. I have no problem not drinking at all. My problem is when I do drink I need to not drink myself into disaster. New goal for the year: knowing my drinking limit.

Hmmmmm. Perhaps I should've posted this after I returned from Las Vegas. Ah well, there's no time better than the present, right?

RIGHT!?

Also, Boy and I haven't really been communicating, but today he really came through for me. I have no idea how to show my appreciation, but it was nice to have somebody go entirely above & beyond reason to help me.

Now I just need to figure out how to not disappoint people. It's illogical that I become less responsible as I age.

Operation Get Right is undergoing restructuring in hopes that 1-year from this week I'll be the good person I want to be.

The good person I can be.

I have to stop disappointing myself. It makes me feel wretched.

"Help me out said the eagle to the dove
I've fallen from my nest so high above
Help me fly
I am too afraid try
Now saddled with a fear of heights
I'm praying you can set me right"
-A Fine Frenzy

In Sum.

Before I start actually writing posts again, I figured I'd provide a bullet version of goings on and things floating around in my little mind:

• Let's touch on Haiti. I was pretty shocked at the outpouring of support for Haiti. Haiti is generally overlooked and if people had provided a fraction of what they provided after the earthquake, perhaps Haiti would have adequate infrastructure. Or, perhaps not. ANYWAY, yes I donated funds except I donated to an actual person in Haiti instead of to an organization. I like to think it still counts as helping.
  
• This semester I signed up for a class I was very interested in, probably the first class in law school I was actually really anticipating. What happens in kittlekat's world? The professor cancels the first two classes (it's a once per week course) and so our first week is this week, which I'll miss because of Vegas! This wouldn't've been an issue except we have a quiz on our first day of class. I attempted to contact the professor to ask if I can make-up the quiz. HIS SCHOOL E-MAIL ADDRESS DOESN'T WORK! So I contacted his secretary. No go. Not to mention the drop period for a full refund just ended. So, my options were to take my chances and start with a low grade in the course (I have another future absence conflict I needed to ask about) and even worse, risk losing $, or drop the course.
• I dropped the course:(
• Been off adderall for a couple of weeks now, things are starting to balance out. Finally
• Takes me forfrickinever to do my homework, though.
  
• At least I'll have more time to do homework since I had to drop the course
• Dropping the course pushes back my graduation date because it's too late to enroll in another course and one of the other courses I was enrolled in was canceled
• Enough about school
  
• I found Febreeze spray that smells manly. Who needs a boy when I have manly Febreeze? I'm so smell sensitive it's ridiculous.
• Speaking of smell. My roommate's dogs smell terrible! TERRIBLE! They go outside and roll around and she never bathes them. Or brushes them for that matter, which would also help. One is a very large dog with long thick fur. They reek.
  
• I'm at an age now where any type of date involves the guy thinking too far into the future. This has always been my sore spot in relationships because I don't look into the future. Why can't I just go out with a guy? Why does it have to be datey? Why do they have to size me up?
  
• Nevermind the fact that the ones I could possibly envision a future with I sleep with too soon and then they don't see me in their future because I was too easy
• Double-edged sword pretty much sums up my love life
• Did Atkins diet. First time in my life I've been on a diet. I just did the induction and then I'm stopping. Today was my last day, thank goodness. Surprisingly, it had its good and bad and I learned more than I expected about my body & food. I also learned that I can exercise & eat whatever I want, or I can a diet. I also lost weight in a way where my butt is sort of cute and shapely.
  
• Obviously, I'll be sacrificing budget for a gym membership when I return from Vegas. Dieting is not for me.
  
• OMG VEGAS!
• Speaking of Vegas, I've been looking at our hotel's website and Vegas makes everything easy. For instance, the hotel has it's own list of stuff you can purchase as gifts to send to rooms including flowers, candy baskets, various other baskets. Even a Corona/chips/dip basket. I imagine this comes in handy since a lot of people go to Vegas to celebrate something.
  
• There are also tigers
• And dolphins
• And a candy store
  
• And a topless pool area
• And all sorts of other stuff in a glittering city where two inquisitive girls with short attention spans shouldn't be left to their own devices
  
• OMG VEGAS!

"Is there another chance
To bring her closer
Make her feel I know we could be happy again
Is there another chance
To bring her flowers
So she will only whisper my name "
-Hootie & The Blowfish

So Begins Another Week.

I'm so sick and tired of feeling. I mean, really, must I feel?

I think not.

So somebody stop this illogical madness.

For I have had enough!

"White- bare naked in the night
And lookin’ for some play
Just another girl that wants to rule the world
At any time or place
And when she gets into your head
You know she’s there to stay"
-Kings of Leon

Who Cares?

So what if I'm alone, without plans. Just another Saturday night for me.

What really matters is I think it's going to be a mighty fine, and possibly favorable, March for basketball.

I heart college basketball.

P.S. I was thinking about stopping with this blog because nobody reads it anymore. I know I've only myself to blame for being less than interesting. However, I think I'll do the opposite and put more effort into this whole blogging endeavor. We. Shall. See.

Whatever do you mean?

Just made a purchase on Amazon and it gave me an option to "Next time use Express Checkout with PayPhrase." It even gave me a suggested PayPhrase: "Kittlekatfirstname Spurious Talents"

Why did it suggest this phrase? How did it arrive at this as the #1 choice for me? Most of all, is it possible to have spurious talents? Even if a talent is spurious wouldn't you still have to perform that talent, hence making it a non-spurious talent?

Amazon hurts my feelings on a regular basis.

Ah well, at least it has refrained from its previous barrage of Christian-based novel recommendations after I purchased naughty toys. Those recommendations, obviously, made me feel bad about myself.

*May my busha bless my heathen soul*

Now back to homework!

"But when you're with me darling
I don't need to believe in anyone else
I'm so confused by you
I don't know what to do
I don't want you coming here"
Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson

As Days Go By

There is no music to play. No music that correlates with my mood as of late.

Instead, in my car, my usual prime music time, I find myself flipping through the radio stations.

Looking for something I can't find.

You know you come from Polish heritage if...

Something's been banging around in the back of your Buick for a couple of weeks and when you finally decide to explore the culprit you find a glass jar of horseradish.

Then, you mourn the loss of that freakin' jar of horseradish which you can only get out of town.

You contemplate whether or not freezing and thawing several times makes it inedible.

mmmmmmmm, horseradish

Sometimes, even weekends suck.

When I was younger I hoped my life would become less lonely with age.

With both roommates out for the evening and me without any plans, it looks as if I still have a lot of things to figure out.


"Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody
I've got some money 'cause I just got paid
Now how I wish I had someone to talk to
I'm in an awful way."
-Cat Stevens

Change of Pace.

I could write about how I'm feeling mentally, but I'm pretty sure it has more to do with chemical interactions (I re-stopped the Adderall XR yesterday and have no intentions of re-starting this time) and PMS. In other words, I'm drowning in darkness and writing about that would be more of the same old crap you're probably sick of reading, so I just have one thing to say...

WANT! CHICK. FIL. A!

However, I don't live anywhere near a Chick-Fil-A.

Disappointment all around.

"And girl I hope you're not alone
and sleep through this weather
And girl I hope you're whole again
back home we'll sleep better."
-The Anniversary

I think I've become a bad person.

Which is a shame really, because I used to be such a good person.

I guess I should've made "re-become a good person" my New Year's Resolution. On the other hand, that's an awfully lofty resolution, sure to fail.

I just want to be good.

Off to work!

Note: The sound of the washing machine prevents me from listing song lyrics today. I just can't focus on song.

Let's Talk About Sex Bay-Bee.

Okay, not really. We're going to talk about movies, but for some reason when I thought I'd title this "Let's Talk About Movies," that old Salt-N-Pepa song just popped into my head.

ANYWAY! Little Sister just asked if I was in Hometown because she just rented Paranormal Activity. I informed her I had already seen it and she was about to be disappointed. So disappointed I thought I might as well blog about it.

Last week, I watched Paranormal Activity. It was a terrible film. First of all, I'm a bit biased, movies filmed to play like hand-held camera movies (a la Blair Witch) annoy me. They annoy me a lot and they don't scare me anymore than regularly filmed cinematic screenplays. So, the first scene start, I groaned, and decided this movie was going to need to get better fast.

But, it didn't.

I'm a huge fan of scary flicks and quite prefer the ones that are more likely to happen. For instance, I find movies dealing with ghosts more scary than those with wolverines or monsters. This movie could've been incredibly scary. It had potential, but it failed. There is no way people were as scared as touted by the adverts for this movie. It only won people over who actually believed it could be a true story. And, while it could be a true story, this movie was not a true story.

And, IT SUCKED!

Now, last week I also saw District 9. I had heard the name of the movie, but never the plot. When the first scene introduced us to characters with accents, I asked the friend who rented it what it was about, he wasn't really sure. I should note here that while I love movies about the paranormal, I hate movies with English/South African/Australian/Irish/etc. accents.

Then there were giant prawns.

I thought things were going downhill fast and I would need to ask to change to another movie, but surprisingly District 9 appealed to my distorted attentions. I actually enjoyed it. Which is probably not something I should admit because I checked online and lots of people think it sucks. I would probably think it sucks had I known what it was about before watching it.

But, I just felt so bad for those poor prawns! And, that little baby prawn? MELT MY HEART.

Okay, so maybe that's drastic. In sum, Paranormal Activity will disappoint and I can't recommend District 9 because I'm not sure if I would've like it had I known what I was getting into before watching it.

Watch both movies at your own risk.

"Let's talk about sex, baby
Let's talk about you and me
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be"
-Salt-N-Pepa

Another round-number decade down.

Some days are good days. Some days are great days. Some days are bad days. Some days are great big huge suck days.

Most days are just days.

One after another until someday arrives.

New Year's Resolution: To begin and finish one sewing project each month for 12 months. I do not have to begin & finish the same project as long as I begin one project and finish one project.

"Who could mend a heart that was broken from the start?
You led me on
You let me down
So blue
Blue"
-Ryan Adams