That Feeling of Shame. Guilt.

Is it an addiction yet?

I'm not sure, but if it's not, I don't want it to develop into an addiction. The most worrisome aspect is that I can see my father's drinking habits reflected in my own drinking and he is definitely an alcoholic. I don't know what to do so I think I'm going to use rewards. I'll explain the details in a future post. Hopefully.

Yes, I have such an alcohol problem that I have to convince myself to actively combat what feels like an impending doom of alcoholism. It'll go into effect immediately and if it works I will be so relieved. If it doesn't work, the next step will be to just stop drinking altogether. My dad's brother did that when he was about my age, presumably because he was facing the same thing I am right now. Child of an alcoholic, making the choice to not turn out like the parent. I'm perfectly fine not drinking, I've never absolutely had to have a drink, but I've been justifying my alcohol abuse for too long. I've told myself 50 times, "I'll try really hard not to do this again."

I need to stop trying and start doing.

I think I've been self-medicating, but I'm not entirely sure what exactly is wrong with me. I suppose I'll have to figure that out and I'm sure it'll suck. I know I've been drinking to hide from emotion, but it's really only wreaked more emotional havoc. More emotional havoc equals more drinking.

I need help.

I've been trying to publish this post for a very long time, but it's a difficult thing to admit. I didn't want it out there on the web because that makes is seem so real.

Unfortunately, it is real, and it's time to stop.

(Luckily, I'm in an airport right now so I haven't crumpled into a ball of tears and self-loathing, but oh do I want to. Do I ever want to).

I just want to be okay. Not happy. Not loved. Not lucky. Not even content.

Just okay.

"I'm all alone now and I feel just fine
I don't feel much like doing anything
True love ain't that hard to find
Not that either one of us will ever know
Would you lay here for awhile?
Please, do not let me go"
-Ryan Adams