Put A Fork In Me. I'm Done.

Being at home this weekend to care for my mom creates emotional wreckage. Things are difficult. (Wait until I tell you about yesterday's incident involving my mom and her inability to conceptualize maps and direction). We get along better than we used to, but something's still not quite right. It's like no matter how hard I try, or no matter what I do, it's never good enough. It's never right.

She often makes me feel like a failure at life. She's not the only person who makes me feel that way, but she was the first person.

When I finally leave on Monday to return to College Town, I'll begin my own sort of recovery. It'll take a couple of days to feel good about myself again. It'll take a few days to remind myself that it's not everybody else in the world who aren't satisfied with me. It's only a select few.

While I'm in complaint mode, I'm also going to use this post to tell you I'm rather perturbed with BFS4. She was supposed to take me out for my birthday this weekend. We were just going to go out to eat and to a movie. However, I wanted to go out on Sunday (since the roads are too nasty today) but she can't because that's Husband's day off from work and she doesn't want him to be upset.

WTF!? She lives with him! They can't spare a few hours together so she can accompany me to a movie? For my birthday!? Really?

Really.

Suck it up kittlekat, it's not about you.

Nothing's ever about you.

That's the problem.

No lyrics, too busy watching Dude Where's My Car? True story.

I Bring The Bad Luck.

In my last post I mentioned taking my mother to the hospital for her surgery. Last time she had this done, a family member took her and I didn't see her until a day or two after her surgery. This time I used paid family sick leave to take the day off from work. I had to be at class at 3:30, an hour away. We had to get up at 5:00am to get to the hospital on time. My mom was scheduled for the first surgery of the day. Easy peasy.

Well, it didn't really happen like that.

We got up at 5, to a bunch of wet snow. Heavy wet snow is horrible. It took us twice as long to the hospital as it should've and apparently the county is no longer really attempting to do much to clean the roads. They're claiming lack of funds. Whatever. So, we get to the hospital. Good to go, right?

Wrong.

Apparently my mom had a blood transfusion last time and it left her with some disagreeable antibodies. One would think the blood she had drawn 2 weeks ago for tests would've alerted the medical staff that she'd need a special batch of blood. At the very least, the blood tests she had 48 hours before surgery would've put the hospital on notice. Right?

Long story short, I had to leave the hospital at noon (roads were atrocious) and my mom still hadn't gone into surgery. They were waiting for the Red Cross to call them to confirm the blood the hospital have on hand was a match. Her surgery was scheduled for 7:00am. She was hooked to an iv drip at 6:30 and was still on it when I left. You know, because the Red Cross was going to call at any moment. Moment turned into multiple hours.

My grandma (my mom's ex-mother-in-law, technically), showed up around 7, so luckily she was there to stay with my mom and be there when she finally got out of surgery at 2 in the afternoon. My mom may or may not've said that perhaps I should've just let my grandma take her in the first place.

My bad luck often puts itself on others.

Remember that post a week or two ago about feeling luckier?

It was faux.

Mom's okay though! Well, sort of, she's pretty sick I guess and may have to spend a couple of extra days in the hospital and she needed another blood transfusion. I can't go home until Friday to take care of her for the weekend, but now it looks like she won't be home until Friday at the earliest. I'll be there to take care of her until Monday afternoon.

Because I'm a good daughter...mostly.

"You know it's not like she's forgot about it
She's just dealin' with the pain
And the fact that she's survived so well without him
You know it's drivin' him insane
And the crazy thing about it,
Is she'd take him back
But the fool in him that walked out
Is the fool that just won't ask"
-Garth Brooks

Because I'm a good daughter...mostly.

I'm actually taking the day off from work tomorrow to take my mom to the hospital for knee replacement surgery. Luckily, she's scheduled for the wee hours of the morning so I can still make it to class in the afternoon.

She had this procedure done on her other knee about 3 years ago. So, it's sort of a routine surgery, but there's always the worry, the what if. I can't miss any classes this week so other family members will take care of her until I can get home next weekend. She should be in the hospital until Thursday anyway. Then it's all rehabilitation.

Here's hoping everything goes well!

No lyrics today; I'm watching tv. *gasp* I know!

Current Events

Stole this list from someplace, if it was from you please let me know.

Current Book(s):
The Sex Lives of Cannibals by J. Maarten Troost
Various legal textbooks

Current Music:
Jamie Foxx, Trey Songz, A Fine Frenzy, 30 Seconds to Mars, but mostly smooth r&b sex tunes.

Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure:
Smooth r&b sex tunes? Daydreaming about Lebron James. I mean, seriously, he's twice my height and 1/3 my age and not my type at all & I barely ever watch NBA games...some things defy reason

Current Colors:
fuschia

Current Obsessions:
fake sports betting

Current Drink:
Water

Current Song:
"She Got Her Own" -Jamie Foxx

Current Movie:
Anything on the Lifetime Movie Network

Current TV Shows:
Big Love

Current Wish-List:
I wish law school graduation would be here already. As for more feasible wishes, I wish I had friends with whom to hangout.

Current Needs:
My bedroom needs to be cleaned; my teenage self would be impressed by the mess.
I need to suck it up and clear enough from my budget to join a gym.

Current Triumph:
Thinking about Boy not liking me no longer brings me to tears.

Current Bane of my Existence:
Stinky dogs. Stinky dog food.

Current Goal:
Learn enough about hockey to not get scolded every time I propose a hockey bet.

Current Indulgence:
Fake sports betting. Are you seeing a problem pattern?

Current Blessings:
Having the strength to be more emotionally stable than I have been over the last 4 years.

Current Slang or Saying:
I've been using the word, "clearly" a lot. I text the phrase, "good bet?" a lot.

Current (Fav) Outfit:
My new jeans that have light blue seaming, paired with a blue tee & gray cardigan thing

Current Excitement:
Fake sports betting, of course.

Current Mood:
Fine

"I bet the neighbors know my name
Way you screamin' scratchin' yellin',
Bet the neighbors know my name
They be stressin' while we sexin'
I bet the neighbors know my name"
-Trey Songz

She should be more grateful!

Here's a quick story and I'm not sure how I made the connection, but stick with me. A number of years ago when I was headed home from CollegeTown for the weekend, I stopped and adopted a kitten for my mother. I took that cat home and my mother, who was never a cat person, suddenly became a crazy cat lady.

Where am I going with this? Well, I went home last weekend and returned on Valentine's Day. My roommates were talking about Valentines and how none of us have one this year. While they both indicated it was the first time in like 10 years they haven't had Valentines, I told them I've never had one. (It's true, the only 2 times I even came close, the guys were complete dicks on my birthdays (b-day #18 & #25) and since my birthday is so close to Valentines day, I wasn't exactly feeling lovable). Anyway, my roommates made that sighing noise and said "Awwwww, that's actually kind of sad." (Fret not, I didn't experience one drop of emo this year, thank goodness).

So how are the cat and never having a Valentine connected? Because I have video proof that if I never find a guy to love me, I won't cut it as a crazy cat lady either (and yes, that's my voice):

Oh, the things that remind people of me...

I received the following text last night and cleaned it up from textspeak:

"Whenever I see Danica Patrick get into a car, I think of you! Weird yes...but I miss you."

Really, I'm not even sure what to think about that one.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

"Lover, can you help me?
I'm a child lost in the woods.
A black heart pollutes me
Then I think..."
-Incubus

It's True.

I live in what I would describe as a hockey state and I never liked hockey. I get a lot of crap for it, but I defend by having a vagina and actually caring about other sports, such as college basketball. Fortunately, with this new sports gambling endeavor, I've taken a liking to outcomes of hockey games (mostly because The Gambler (finally a nickname for him!) gave me winning hockey bets while I was in Vegas, and I pretty much only parlay hockey). However, I haven't picked many of my own hockey games, mostly because I don't know a damn thing about hockey other than the puck must go into the net (Goal!). I also know there are 3 periods of time in one game, but I've no idea how many minutes per period. After all, for most of my life, every hockey game seems to me to take 5 bajillion minutes! Anyway, I'm going forth with learning more about hockey and I'd like to share with you the following:

The Gambler: "NHL: I know it scares you but I’m actually the best at handicapping hockey, and the parlays are best here"

Yes, blog readers, hockey scares me. It's going to be a slow process, but I'm learning.

"You're beautiful
I hope it's mutual
And if you're down like I'm down
Let's get on down to it"
-Boomkat

Who is this lucky girl?

We're just over a month into 2010 and I feel luckier. Not necessarily lucky, but luckier than before 2010. For example, it's snowing here in the midwest and I couldn't find a parking spot before class. Usually, it's not a problem, but today it was and I thought, "Just great!" However, as I was exiting the parking garage, I found a spot! Who me? I won't half to walk from the other parking garage and be late for class? Lucky! Then I go to class and open my backpack (yes, backpack) and guess what?

NO BOOK!

No adderall=no memory=unprepared for class.

I panicked because I don't have an extra absence to spare in the class and there was no way I'd make it home to retrieve my book in time for class. I decided to check the law library, but figured, with my luck, the text book would be checked out.

IT WAS THERE!

With the way things are going, I'm for sure going to get called on today in class without my highlighted/noted book, but at least I didn't have to skip class. Maybe I'll get an easy question.

Just maybe.

"How will I know if he really loves me
I say a prayer with every heart beat
I fall in love whenever we meet
I'm asking you what you know about these things
How will I know if he's thinking of me
I try to phone but I'm too shy (can't speak)
Falling in love is all bittersweet"
-Whitney Houston

On The Line.

Since I probably lost any remaining female readers with that last post about sports betting, I intend to clean up some drafts I have and hopefully post at least one this week. I was going to do so tonight, but I found out Great Aunt's health isn't so great and that news crushes me like a cement slab. Sometimes there are people who you want to live long enough to see particular milestones and I wanted her to live long enough to meet whoever turns out to be the love of my life.

Who am I kidding? That's not the truth. I'm selfish and want her to stay around just for me.

I've vowed not to cry yet, so I'll leave you with my very own Texts From Last Night:

kittlekat: "I imagine no matter where you find yourself on Super Bowl Sunday, you can always say it was better than that one time you wound up with meat juice smeared on your face"
BFF: "Hard to say...Can a drunken, toothless, meat-juice smeared superbowl really be topped?"

I'd forgotten that she was missing a front tooth that night! Classic.

"And I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
Don't get fooled again
No, no"
-The Who

But, It's So Much Fun!

While in Vegas I contacted a friend who I know is pretty good at gambling. Unlike most gamblers, he tends to win. He also has a good job and money to spend. In general, he's a pretty good guy and yes we were linked nakedly in the past. He was my first younger guy. I've also wagered bets with him and the past, and lost everysingleone. I've mentioned him on here before and no, we're no longer linking nakedly.

Anyway, I really wanted to do some sports betting. Super-excited about it, actually. So, I contacted him to see how I should bet and asked the exact terminology I should use because all gambling is intimidating if you don't know the language. Plus, there are very few females in the sports book area of the casino. Okay, so I really went to the sport book with a handwritten list and just gave the guy my list, but I digress. The first night, I did what he thought I could easily grasp which included a hockey parlay (pick a number of teams, all have to win for the bet to win) and a few over/unders (if you pick over, the total score of the game has to be over that number, under is vice versa). I won like $20 or $30 and since he had me bet on hockey, I actually took interest in some hockey games. I hate hockey.

But, I love sports betting!

Then I requested more games I should bet on Saturday, because I LOOOOOOVE college basketball. He gave me a handful of basketball bets and some hockey bets. However, this time some basketball included point spreads and I have no idea how they work, so BFF and I thought the most logical way it worked.

We were wrong.

So while I thought I lost about $55, I actually won $153! Exciting stuff this betting! Okay, maybe I put twice as much as he thought I should wager on the games as I'm just learning, but it turned out okay.

He has now gotten me to grasp the concept of point spreads and I'm excited to hypothetically start betting on games! I'm not really willing to bet online as that's not quite legal, and betting on college basketball isn't legal outside of Vegas, and sports betting in general isn't legal in most places, so I'm just going to pretend and see if I can figure all of this betting stuff out.

Today, he also told me about props and I'd like to note it means he's making obscure bets on the Super Bowl with what I consider an unreasonably large amount of money for bets based completely on luck.

And, he'll probably at least break even.

At least I'm learning from a good one.

"So on your lonely nights girl, I'm here for you
Let me come satisfy you for an hour or two
Baby, don't be shy 'cause I'm not judging you
I'm comin' for your love, so let me through"
-Silk

Now that the heavy stuff is out of the way.

I'm so tired, but still can't sleep.

For some reason, I decided to take Adderall XR while in Vegas and let's be honest and just liken it to a 5-day crystal meth bender. Excessive talking. No impulse control in that I was doing things even my mind was like, clearly, shouldn't be doing this now. Irritability. Not eating, which is obviously important when you're drinking. Drinking to take the edge off. Sleeplessness. And, now for the crash. This part sucks because, as mentioned in a previous post, I had stopped taking it in early January so for the most part the crash was over. Not looking forward to doing that again, but still don't like myself while taking it. It makes me feel bi-polar. I'm flushing the Adderall. It's too easy to take it when I'm having trouble concentrating and I really need to learn how to organize life without it.

Let the crash begin.

I need this post-Vegas hangover to go away quickly. I hate being so depressed.

I had left my phone at home so I deactivated service while in Vegas so people couldn't call/text me and not get a response. I reactivated it today and for some reason that makes me feel nervous.

Sleeping on a bed of feathers this weekend was hell on my allergies & sinuses. This morning I woke up with a terrible sinus infection. It's a good thing I'm taking today off from work and not going to class. I need sleep.

I also need some Mucinex DM, but I'm too tired to even drive to the store.

Speaking of driving, I have no idea how I made the 1.5 hour drive home last night. I was almost falling asleep. Not even sure why I'm awake now. My eyes are so heavy, but sleeping has been difficult. I could probably be a better sleeper if I didn't think so damn much.

Stop thinking, start sleeping.

Too tired for music.