Kittlekat

Put A Fork In Me. I'm Done.

2010-02-27T06:32:00.005-05:00

Being at home this weekend to care for my mom creates emotional wreckage. Things are difficult. (Wait until I tell you about yesterday's incident involving my mom and her inability to conceptualize maps and direction). We get along better than we used to, but something's still not quite right. It's like no matter how hard I try, or no matter what I do, it's never good enough. It's never right.

She often makes me feel like a failure at life. She's not the only person who makes me feel that way, but she was the first person.

When I finally leave on Monday to return to College Town, I'll begin my own sort of recovery. It'll take a couple of days to feel good about myself again. It'll take a few days to remind myself that it's not everybody else in the world who aren't satisfied with me. It's only a select few.

While I'm in complaint mode, I'm also going to use this post to tell you I'm rather perturbed with BFS4. She was supposed to take me out for my birthday this weekend. We were just going to go out to eat and to a movie. However, I wanted to go out on Sunday (since the roads are too nasty today) but she can't because that's Husband's day off from work and she doesn't want him to be upset.

WTF!? She lives with him! They can't spare a few hours together so she can accompany me to a movie? For my birthday!? Really?

Really.

Suck it up kittlekat, it's not about you.

Nothing's ever about you.

That's the problem.

No lyrics, too busy watching Dude Where's My Car? True story.

I Bring The Bad Luck.

2010-02-24T19:04:00.003-05:00

In my last post I mentioned taking my mother to the hospital for her surgery. Last time she had this done, a family member took her and I didn't see her until a day or two after her surgery. This time I used paid family sick leave to take the day off from work. I had to be at class at 3:30, an hour away. We had to get up at 5:00am to get to the hospital on time. My mom was scheduled for the first surgery of the day. Easy peasy.

Well, it didn't really happen like that.

We got up at 5, to a bunch of wet snow. Heavy wet snow is horrible. It took us twice as long to the hospital as it should've and apparently the county is no longer really attempting to do much to clean the roads. They're claiming lack of funds. Whatever. So, we get to the hospital. Good to go, right?

Wrong.

Apparently my mom had a blood transfusion last time and it left her with some disagreeable antibodies. One would think the blood she had drawn 2 weeks ago for tests would've alerted the medical staff that she'd need a special batch of blood. At the very least, the blood tests she had 48 hours before surgery would've put the hospital on notice. Right?

Long story short, I had to leave the hospital at noon (roads were atrocious) and my mom still hadn't gone into surgery. They were waiting for the Red Cross to call them to confirm the blood the hospital have on hand was a match. Her surgery was scheduled for 7:00am. She was hooked to an iv drip at 6:30 and was still on it when I left. You know, because the Red Cross was going to call at any moment. Moment turned into multiple hours.

My grandma (my mom's ex-mother-in-law, technically), showed up around 7, so luckily she was there to stay with my mom and be there when she finally got out of surgery at 2 in the afternoon. My mom may or may not've said that perhaps I should've just let my grandma take her in the first place.

My bad luck often puts itself on others.

Remember that post a week or two ago about feeling luckier?

It was faux.

Mom's okay though! Well, sort of, she's pretty sick I guess and may have to spend a couple of extra days in the hospital and she needed another blood transfusion. I can't go home until Friday to take care of her for the weekend, but now it looks like she won't be home until Friday at the earliest. I'll be there to take care of her until Monday afternoon.

Because I'm a good daughter...mostly.

"You know it's not like she's forgot about it
She's just dealin' with the pain
And the fact that she's survived so well without him
You know it's drivin' him insane
And the crazy thing about it,
Is she'd take him back
But the fool in him that walked out
Is the fool that just won't ask"
-Garth Brooks

Because I'm a good daughter...mostly.

2010-02-21T18:54:00.002-05:00

I'm actually taking the day off from work tomorrow to take my mom to the hospital for knee replacement surgery. Luckily, she's scheduled for the wee hours of the morning so I can still make it to class in the afternoon.

She had this procedure done on her other knee about 3 years ago. So, it's sort of a routine surgery, but there's always the worry, the what if. I can't miss any classes this week so other family members will take care of her until I can get home next weekend. She should be in the hospital until Thursday anyway. Then it's all rehabilitation.

Here's hoping everything goes well!

No lyrics today; I'm watching tv. *gasp* I know!

Current Events

2010-02-17T20:32:00.006-05:00

Stole this list from someplace, if it was from you please let me know.

Current Book(s):
The Sex Lives of Cannibals by J. Maarten Troost
Various legal textbooks

Current Music:
Jamie Foxx, Trey Songz, A Fine Frenzy, 30 Seconds to Mars, but mostly smooth r&b sex tunes.

Current Shame-Inducing Guilty Pleasure:
Smooth r&b sex tunes? Daydreaming about Lebron James. I mean, seriously, he's twice my height and 1/3 my age and not my type at all & I barely ever watch NBA games...some things defy reason

Current Colors:
fuschia

Current Obsessions:
fake sports betting

Current Drink:
Water

Current Song:
"She Got Her Own" -Jamie Foxx

Current Movie:
Anything on the Lifetime Movie Network

Current TV Shows:
Big Love

Current Wish-List:
I wish law school graduation would be here already. As for more feasible wishes, I wish I had friends with whom to hangout.

Current Needs:
My bedroom needs to be cleaned; my teenage self would be impressed by the mess.
I need to suck it up and clear enough from my budget to join a gym.

Current Triumph:
Thinking about Boy not liking me no longer brings me to tears.

Current Bane of my Existence:
Stinky dogs. Stinky dog food.

Current Goal:
Learn enough about hockey to not get scolded every time I propose a hockey bet.

Current Indulgence:
Fake sports betting. Are you seeing a ~~problem~~ pattern?

Current Blessings:
Having the strength to be more emotionally stable than I have been over the last 4 years.

Current Slang or Saying:
I've been using the word, "clearly" a lot. I text the phrase, "good bet?" a lot.

Current (Fav) Outfit:
My new jeans that have light blue seaming, paired with a blue tee & gray cardigan thing

Current Excitement:
Fake sports betting, of course.

Current Mood:
Fine

"I bet the neighbors know my name
Way you screamin' scratchin' yellin',
Bet the neighbors know my name
They be stressin' while we sexin'
I bet the neighbors know my name"
-Trey Songz

She should be more grateful!

2010-02-17T18:13:00.001-05:00

Here's a quick story and I'm not sure how I made the connection, but stick with me. A number of years ago when I was headed home from CollegeTown for the weekend, I stopped and adopted a kitten for my mother. I took that cat home and my mother, who was never a cat person, suddenly became a crazy cat lady.

Where am I going with this? Well, I went home last weekend and returned on Valentine's Day. My roommates were talking about Valentines and how none of us have one this year. While they both indicated it was the first time in like 10 years they haven't had Valentines, I told them I've never had one. (It's true, the only 2 times I even came close, the guys were complete dicks on my birthdays (b-day #18 & #25) and since my birthday is so close to Valentines day, I wasn't exactly feeling lovable). Anyway, my roommates made that sighing noise and said "Awwwww, that's actually kind of sad." (Fret not, I didn't experience one drop of emo this year, thank goodness).

So how are the cat and never having a Valentine connected? Because I have video proof that if I never find a guy to love me, I won't cut it as a crazy cat lady either (and yes, that's my voice):

Oh, the things that remind people of me...

2010-02-14T19:10:00.006-05:00

I received the following text last night and cleaned it up from textspeak:

"Whenever I see Danica Patrick get into a car, I think of you! Weird yes...but I miss you."

Really, I'm not even sure what to think about that one.

Happy Valentine's Day!!!

"Lover, can you help me?
I'm a child lost in the woods.
A black heart pollutes me
Then I think..."
-Incubus

It's True.

2010-02-10T17:51:00.005-05:00

I live in what I would describe as a hockey state and I never liked hockey. I get a lot of crap for it, but I defend by having a vagina and actually caring about other sports, such as college basketball. Fortunately, with this new sports gambling endeavor, I've taken a liking to outcomes of hockey games (mostly because The Gambler (finally a nickname for him!) gave me winning hockey bets while I was in Vegas, and I pretty much only parlay hockey). However, I haven't picked many of my own hockey games, mostly because I don't know a damn thing about hockey other than the puck must go into the net (Goal!). I also know there are 3 periods of time in one game, but I've no idea how many minutes per period. After all, for most of my life, every hockey game seems to me to take 5 bajillion minutes! Anyway, I'm going forth with learning more about hockey and I'd like to share with you the following:

The Gambler: "NHL: I know it scares you but I’m actually the best at handicapping hockey, and the parlays are best here"

Yes, blog readers, hockey scares me. It's going to be a slow process, but I'm learning.

"You're beautiful
I hope it's mutual
And if you're down like I'm down
Let's get on down to it"
-Boomkat

Who is this lucky girl?

2010-02-09T15:34:00.002-05:00

We're just over a month into 2010 and I feel luckier. Not necessarily lucky, but luckier than before 2010. For example, it's snowing here in the midwest and I couldn't find a parking spot before class. Usually, it's not a problem, but today it was and I thought, "Just great!" However, as I was exiting the parking garage, I found a spot! Who me? I won't half to walk from the other parking garage and be late for class? Lucky! Then I go to class and open my backpack (yes, backpack) and guess what?

NO BOOK!

No adderall=no memory=unprepared for class.

I panicked because I don't have an extra absence to spare in the class and there was no way I'd make it home to retrieve my book in time for class. I decided to check the law library, but figured, with my luck, the text book would be checked out.

IT WAS THERE!

With the way things are going, I'm for sure going to get called on today in class without my highlighted/noted book, but at least I didn't have to skip class. Maybe I'll get an easy question.

Just maybe.

"How will I know if he really loves me
I say a prayer with every heart beat
I fall in love whenever we meet
I'm asking you what you know about these things
How will I know if he's thinking of me
I try to phone but I'm too shy (can't speak)
Falling in love is all bittersweet"
-Whitney Houston

On The Line.

2010-02-08T22:18:00.002-05:00

Since I probably lost any remaining female readers with that last post about sports betting, I intend to clean up some drafts I have and hopefully post at least one this week. I was going to do so tonight, but I found out Great Aunt's health isn't so great and that news crushes me like a cement slab. Sometimes there are people who you want to live long enough to see particular milestones and I wanted her to live long enough to meet whoever turns out to be the love of my life.

Who am I kidding? That's not the truth. I'm selfish and want her to stay around just for me.

I've vowed not to cry yet, so I'll leave you with my very own Texts From Last Night:

kittlekat: "I imagine no matter where you find yourself on Super Bowl Sunday, you can always say it was better than that one time you wound up with meat juice smeared on your face"
BFF: "Hard to say...Can a drunken, toothless, meat-juice smeared superbowl really be topped?"

I'd forgotten that she was missing a front tooth that night! Classic.

"And I'll get on my knees and pray
We don't get fooled again
Don't get fooled again
No, no"
-The Who

But, It's So Much Fun!

2010-02-02T18:29:00.003-05:00

While in Vegas I contacted a friend who I know is pretty good at gambling. Unlike most gamblers, he tends to win. He also has a good job and money to spend. In general, he's a pretty good guy and yes we were linked nakedly in the past. He was my first younger guy. I've also wagered bets with him and the past, and lost everysingleone. I've mentioned him on here before and no, we're no longer linking nakedly.

Anyway, I really wanted to do some sports betting. Super-excited about it, actually. So, I contacted him to see how I should bet and asked the exact terminology I should use because all gambling is intimidating if you don't know the language. Plus, there are very few females in the sports book area of the casino. Okay, so I really went to the sport book with a handwritten list and just gave the guy my list, but I digress. The first night, I did what he thought I could easily grasp which included a hockey parlay (pick a number of teams, all have to win for the bet to win) and a few over/unders (if you pick over, the total score of the game has to be over that number, under is vice versa). I won like $20 or $30 and since he had me bet on hockey, I actually took interest in some hockey games. I hate hockey.

But, I love sports betting!

Then I requested more games I should bet on Saturday, because I LOOOOOOVE college basketball. He gave me a handful of basketball bets and some hockey bets. However, this time some basketball included point spreads and I have no idea how they work, so BFF and I thought the most logical way it worked.

We were wrong.

So while I thought I lost about $55, I actually won $153! Exciting stuff this betting! Okay, maybe I put twice as much as he thought I should wager on the games as I'm just learning, but it turned out okay.

He has now gotten me to grasp the concept of point spreads and I'm excited to hypothetically start betting on games! I'm not really willing to bet online as that's not quite legal, and betting on college basketball isn't legal outside of Vegas, and sports betting in general isn't legal in most places, so I'm just going to pretend and see if I can figure all of this betting stuff out.

Today, he also told me about props and I'd like to note it means he's making obscure bets on the Super Bowl with what I consider an unreasonably large amount of money for bets based completely on luck.

And, he'll probably at least break even.

At least I'm learning from a good one.

"So on your lonely nights girl, I'm here for you
Let me come satisfy you for an hour or two
Baby, don't be shy 'cause I'm not judging you
I'm comin' for your love, so let me through"
-Silk

Now that the heavy stuff is out of the way.

2010-02-01T11:08:00.000-05:00

I'm so tired, but still can't sleep.

For some reason, I decided to take Adderall XR while in Vegas and let's be honest and just liken it to a 5-day crystal meth bender. Excessive talking. No impulse control in that I was doing things even my mind was like, clearly, shouldn't be doing this now. Irritability. Not eating, which is obviously important when you're drinking. Drinking to take the edge off. Sleeplessness. And, now for the crash. This part sucks because, as mentioned in a previous post, I had stopped taking it in early January so for the most part the crash was over. Not looking forward to doing that again, but still don't like myself while taking it. It makes me feel bi-polar. I'm flushing the Adderall. It's too easy to take it when I'm having trouble concentrating and I really need to learn how to organize life without it.

Let the crash begin.

I need this post-Vegas hangover to go away quickly. I hate being so depressed.

I had left my phone at home so I deactivated service while in Vegas so people couldn't call/text me and not get a response. I reactivated it today and for some reason that makes me feel nervous.

Sleeping on a bed of feathers this weekend was hell on my allergies & sinuses. This morning I woke up with a terrible sinus infection. It's a good thing I'm taking today off from work and not going to class. I need sleep.

I also need some Mucinex DM, but I'm too tired to even drive to the store.

Speaking of driving, I have no idea how I made the 1.5 hour drive home last night. I was almost falling asleep. Not even sure why I'm awake now. My eyes are so heavy, but sleeping has been difficult. I could probably be a better sleeper if I didn't think so damn much.

Stop thinking, start sleeping.

Too tired for music.

That Feeling of Shame. Guilt.

2010-01-31T15:57:00.000-05:00

Is it an addiction yet?

I'm not sure, but if it's not, I don't want it to develop into an addiction. The most worrisome aspect is that I can see my father's drinking habits reflected in my own drinking and he is definitely an alcoholic. I don't know what to do so I think I'm going to use rewards. I'll explain the details in a future post. Hopefully.

Yes, I have such an alcohol problem that I have to convince myself to actively combat what feels like an impending doom of alcoholism. It'll go into effect immediately and if it works I will be so relieved. If it doesn't work, the next step will be to just stop drinking altogether. My dad's brother did that when he was about my age, presumably because he was facing the same thing I am right now. Child of an alcoholic, making the choice to not turn out like the parent. I'm perfectly fine not drinking, I've never absolutely had to have a drink, but I've been justifying my alcohol abuse for too long. I've told myself 50 times, "I'll try really hard not to do this again."

I need to stop trying and start doing.

I think I've been self-medicating, but I'm not entirely sure what exactly is wrong with me. I suppose I'll have to figure that out and I'm sure it'll suck. I know I've been drinking to hide from emotion, but it's really only wreaked more emotional havoc. More emotional havoc equals more drinking.

I need help.

I've been trying to publish this post for a very long time, but it's a difficult thing to admit. I didn't want it out there on the web because that makes is seem so real.

Unfortunately, it is real, and it's time to stop.

(Luckily, I'm in an airport right now so I haven't crumpled into a ball of tears and self-loathing, but oh do I want to. Do I ever want to).

I just want to be okay. Not happy. Not loved. Not lucky. Not even content.

Just okay.

"I'm all alone now and I feel just fine
I don't feel much like doing anything
True love ain't that hard to find
Not that either one of us will ever know
Would you lay here for awhile?
Please, do not let me go"
-Ryan Adams

OMG!

2010-01-30T08:14:00.005-05:00

Just checked outside our hotel room door to see if they left a non-feather pillow for me since I requested one, but forgot we put the privacy sign up, and guess what?

BFF and I ordered room service for dinner and put the table/cart outside of our door in the hallway.

Somebody VOMITED onto it! All over the table/linens/tray. How would you like to clean vomit off of a cloth-linen table and dishware? Gross. On the other hand, I guess at least the person didn't throw up on the carpet in the hallway.

Day Whatever.

2010-01-30T07:36:00.007-05:00

BFF and I have been pretty much lost time-wise. We've also only eaten 3 times since we arrived on Wednesday. It's so strange. I blame the desert.

I discovered I'm very fond of blackjack. Though I'm too shy to try to play at a table. I often find myself hitting when I should clearly stand.

Heart blackjack. But it doesn't heart me. Playing $5 minimum bet blackjack is brutal.

Addictive, but brutal.

Vegas is much more expensive than I expected ($10 Jack on the rocks? wtf?), but I think it's a place I could visit again with friends. Or, hopefully a boy who could show me the ropes of gambling and point-spreads.

Dressed up very trashy tonight & made BFF take a picture. Me in Vegas looks nothing like what I would wear in the upper midwest.

I'm now 28 years old, though I've been carded numerous times here (BFF was called Miley Cyrus tonight, so I'd like to note she clearly looks younger than me.) I am 28 years old and nowhere near where I thought(hoped) I'd be at this point in my life. I need to accept who I am and how my life will be in order to become more developed.

We survived another unsupervised night in Vegas!

Only one more to go.

Sad.

Day 2.

2010-01-29T07:05:00.002-05:00

BFF & I just woke up from a blackout. The strange part is we don't recall being blackout drunk. We went from zero to shit-canned in a drink of Jack.

As far as we can tell we didn't do anything all that bad. Just passed out in our room. This is totally not normal for us so I can't help but be a little paranoid.

What did I do? Was it bad?

I suck as a person.

3 To Go.

2010-01-28T11:13:00.003-05:00

I'm happy to report BFF & I survived our first night in Vegas (her birthday). Unchaperoned. Our only mini-debacle was me getting threatened to be kicked out of Harrah's if I didn't show my id because I was mistaken for under-21.

I'll be 28 tomorrow FOR THE RECORD!

Also, since BFF is a year younger than me, you'd think that she'd have the problem with looking too young.

Nope, just me last night.

NOT. FAIR!

I can't sleep. The sun is out. Want to sleep, but can't.

Booooooooo!

I'm A Wreck.

2010-01-27T16:28:00.002-05:00

No, really. I'm a wreck. I have the ability to change things and yet I keep returning to the bottle. I don't have to drink. I have no problem not drinking at all. My problem is when I do drink I need to not drink myself into disaster. New goal for the year: knowing my drinking limit.

Hmmmmm. Perhaps I should've posted this after I returned from Las Vegas. Ah well, there's no time better than the present, right?

RIGHT!?

Also, Boy and I haven't really been communicating, but today he really came through for me. I have no idea how to show my appreciation, but it was nice to have somebody go entirely above & beyond reason to help me.

Now I just need to figure out how to not disappoint people. It's illogical that I become less responsible as I age.

Operation Get Right is undergoing restructuring in hopes that 1-year from this week I'll be the good person I want to be.

The good person I can be.

I have to stop disappointing myself. It makes me feel wretched.

"Help me out said the eagle to the dove
I've fallen from my nest so high above
Help me fly
I am too afraid try
Now saddled with a fear of heights
I'm praying you can set me right"
-A Fine Frenzy

In Sum.

2010-01-24T22:23:00.004-05:00

Before I start actually writing posts again, I figured I'd provide a bullet version of goings on and things floating around in my little mind:

Let's touch on Haiti. I was pretty shocked at the outpouring of support for Haiti. Haiti is generally overlooked and if people had provided a fraction of what they provided after the earthquake, perhaps Haiti would have adequate infrastructure. Or, perhaps not. ANYWAY, yes I donated funds except I donated to an actual person in Haiti instead of to an organization. I like to think it still counts as helping.
This semester I signed up for a class I was very interested in, probably the first class in law school I was actually really anticipating. What happens in kittlekat's world? The professor cancels the first two classes (it's a once per week course) and so our first week is this week, which I'll miss because of Vegas! This wouldn't've been an issue except we have a quiz on our first day of class. I attempted to contact the professor to ask if I can make-up the quiz. HIS SCHOOL E-MAIL ADDRESS DOESN'T WORK! So I contacted his secretary. No go. Not to mention the drop period for a full refund just ended. So, my options were to take my chances and start with a low grade in the course (I have another future absence conflict I needed to ask about) and even worse, risk losing $, or drop the course.
I dropped the course:(
Been off adderall for a couple of weeks now, things are starting to balance out. Finally
Takes me forfrickinever to do my homework, though.
At least I'll have more time to do homework since I had to drop the course
Dropping the course pushes back my graduation date because it's too late to enroll in another course and one of the other courses I was enrolled in was canceled
Enough about school
I found Febreeze spray that smells manly. Who needs a boy when I have manly Febreeze? I'm so smell sensitive it's ridiculous.
Speaking of smell. My roommate's dogs smell terrible! TERRIBLE! They go outside and roll around and she never bathes them. Or brushes them for that matter, which would also help. One is a very large dog with long thick fur. They reek.
I'm at an age now where any type of date involves the guy thinking too far into the future. This has always been my sore spot in relationships because I don't look into the future. Why can't I just go out with a guy? Why does it have to be datey? Why do they have to size me up?
Nevermind the fact that the ones I could possibly envision a future with I sleep with too soon and then they don't see me in their future because I was too easy
Double-edged sword pretty much sums up my love life
Did Atkins diet. First time in my life I've been on a diet. I just did the induction and then I'm stopping. Today was my last day, thank goodness. Surprisingly, it had its good and bad and I learned more than I expected about my body & food. I also learned that I can exercise & eat whatever I want, or I can a diet. I also lost weight in a way where my butt is sort of cute and shapely.
Obviously, I'll be sacrificing budget for a gym membership when I return from Vegas. Dieting is not for me.
OMG VEGAS!
Speaking of Vegas, I've been looking at our hotel's website and Vegas makes everything easy. For instance, the hotel has it's own list of stuff you can purchase as gifts to send to rooms including flowers, candy baskets, various other baskets. Even a Corona/chips/dip basket. I imagine this comes in handy since a lot of people go to Vegas to celebrate something.
There are also tigers
And dolphins
And a candy store
And a topless pool area
And all sorts of other stuff in a glittering city where two inquisitive girls with short attention spans shouldn't be left to their own devices
OMG VEGAS!

"Is there another chance
To bring her closer
Make her feel I know we could be happy again
Is there another chance
To bring her flowers
So she will only whisper my name "
-Hootie & The Blowfish

So Begins Another Week.

2010-01-17T22:45:00.002-05:00

I'm so sick and tired of feeling. I mean, really, must I feel?

I think not.

So somebody stop this illogical madness.

For I have had enough!

"White- bare naked in the night
And lookin’ for some play
Just another girl that wants to rule the world
At any time or place
And when she gets into your head
You know she’s there to stay"
-Kings of Leon

Who Cares?

2010-01-16T19:35:00.002-05:00

So what if I'm alone, without plans. Just another Saturday night for me.

What really matters is I think it's going to be a mighty fine, and possibly favorable, March for basketball.

I heart college basketball.

P.S. I was thinking about stopping with this blog because nobody reads it anymore. I know I've only myself to blame for being less than interesting. However, I think I'll do the opposite and put more effort into this whole blogging endeavor. We. Shall. See.

Whatever do you mean?

2010-01-13T20:43:00.004-05:00

Just made a purchase on Amazon and it gave me an option to "Next time use Express Checkout with PayPhrase." It even gave me a suggested PayPhrase: "Kittlekatfirstname Spurious Talents"

Why did it suggest this phrase? How did it arrive at this as the #1 choice for me? Most of all, is it possible to have spurious talents? Even if a talent is spurious wouldn't you still have to perform that talent, hence making it a non-spurious talent?

Amazon hurts my feelings on a regular basis.

Ah well, at least it has refrained from its previous barrage of Christian-based novel recommendations after I purchased naughty toys. Those recommendations, obviously, made me feel bad about myself.

*May my busha bless my heathen soul*

Now back to homework!

"But when you're with me darling
I don't need to believe in anyone else
I'm so confused by you
I don't know what to do
I don't want you coming here"
Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson

As Days Go By

2010-01-12T22:24:00.002-05:00

There is no music to play. No music that correlates with my mood as of late.

Instead, in my car, my usual prime music time, I find myself flipping through the radio stations.

Looking for something I can't find.

You know you come from Polish heritage if...

2010-01-10T16:34:00.002-05:00

Something's been banging around in the back of your Buick for a couple of weeks and when you finally decide to explore the culprit you find a glass jar of horseradish.

Then, you mourn the loss of that freakin' jar of horseradish which you can only get out of town.

You contemplate whether or not freezing and thawing several times makes it inedible.

mmmmmmmm, horseradish

Sometimes, even weekends suck.

2010-01-09T19:24:00.002-05:00

When I was younger I hoped my life would become less lonely with age.

With both roommates out for the evening and me without any plans, it looks as if I still have a lot of things to figure out.

"Another Saturday night and I ain't got nobody
I've got some money 'cause I just got paid
Now how I wish I had someone to talk to
I'm in an awful way."
-Cat Stevens

Change of Pace.

2010-01-07T19:41:00.000-05:00

I could write about how I'm feeling mentally, but I'm pretty sure it has more to do with chemical interactions (I re-stopped the Adderall XR yesterday and have no intentions of re-starting this time) and PMS. In other words, I'm drowning in darkness and writing about that would be more of the same old crap you're probably sick of reading, so I just have one thing to say...

WANT! CHICK. FIL. A!

However, I don't live anywhere near a Chick-Fil-A.

Disappointment all around.

"And girl I hope you're not alone
and sleep through this weather
And girl I hope you're whole again
back home we'll sleep better."
-The Anniversary

I think I've become a bad person.

2010-01-05T09:10:00.000-05:00

Which is a shame really, because I used to be such a good person.

I guess I should've made "re-become a good person" my New Year's Resolution. On the other hand, that's an awfully lofty resolution, sure to fail.

I just want to be good.

Off to work!

Note: The sound of the washing machine prevents me from listing song lyrics today. I just can't focus on song.

Let's Talk About Sex Bay-Bee.

2010-01-03T14:34:00.003-05:00

Okay, not really. We're going to talk about movies, but for some reason when I thought I'd title this "Let's Talk About Movies," that old Salt-N-Pepa song just popped into my head.

ANYWAY! Little Sister just asked if I was in Hometown because she just rented Paranormal Activity. I informed her I had already seen it and she was about to be disappointed. So disappointed I thought I might as well blog about it.

Last week, I watched Paranormal Activity. It was a terrible film. First of all, I'm a bit biased, movies filmed to play like hand-held camera movies (a la Blair Witch) annoy me. They annoy me a lot and they don't scare me anymore than regularly filmed cinematic screenplays. So, the first scene start, I groaned, and decided this movie was going to need to get better fast.

But, it didn't.

I'm a huge fan of scary flicks and quite prefer the ones that are more likely to happen. For instance, I find movies dealing with ghosts more scary than those with wolverines or monsters. This movie could've been incredibly scary. It had potential, but it failed. There is no way people were as scared as touted by the adverts for this movie. It only won people over who actually believed it could be a true story. And, while it could be a true story, this movie was not a true story.

And, IT SUCKED!

Now, last week I also saw District 9. I had heard the name of the movie, but never the plot. When the first scene introduced us to characters with accents, I asked the friend who rented it what it was about, he wasn't really sure. I should note here that while I love movies about the paranormal, I hate movies with English/South African/Australian/Irish/etc. accents.

Then there were giant prawns.

I thought things were going downhill fast and I would need to ask to change to another movie, but surprisingly District 9 appealed to my distorted attentions. I actually enjoyed it. Which is probably not something I should admit because I checked online and lots of people think it sucks. I would probably think it sucks had I known what it was about before watching it.

But, I just felt so bad for those poor prawns! And, that little baby prawn? MELT MY HEART.

Okay, so maybe that's drastic. In sum, Paranormal Activity will disappoint and I can't recommend District 9 because I'm not sure if I would've like it had I known what I was getting into before watching it.

Watch both movies at your own risk.

"Let's talk about sex, baby
Let's talk about you and me
Let's talk about all the good things
And the bad things that may be"
-Salt-N-Pepa

Another round-number decade down.

2010-01-02T09:45:00.000-05:00

Some days are good days. Some days are great days. Some days are bad days. Some days are great big huge suck days.

Most days are just days.

One after another until someday arrives.

New Year's Resolution: To begin and finish one sewing project each month for 12 months. I do not have to begin & finish the same project as long as I begin one project and finish one project.

"Who could mend a heart that was broken from the start?
You led me on
You let me down
So blue
Blue"
-Ryan Adams

Soooooooo absent-minded.

2009-12-31T09:28:00.002-05:00

Yesterday evening I made myself dinner. I put the leftovers in a container to take to work for lunch today. I do not work today. The entire company has the day off.

Why am I so absent-minded?

Also drank too much last night. Embarrassingly so. Alone. Ashamed of myself. As usual.

Why am I worthy of the air I breathe?

Alone tonight for New Year's Eve.

I'm such a stellar girl.

Or, an incredibly sad & alone girl.

Whichever.

"I've grown tired of that place;
won't you come with me?
We could start again."
-Incubus

Shyness or Social Anxiety?

2009-12-28T17:29:00.001-05:00

Tonight, I'm going to a holiday dinner for work. I only work with 3 other people. Only a few others we do business with were invited. There are like, 15 people max. I've been working there for almost 3 years.

But, I'm nervous. Incredibly nervous.

Plus, since I'm single I'll obviously be arriving alone. Arriving places alone is one of those shy things that makes my stomach a bit queasy.

This would be so much easier if I had a boyfriend. Or fiance. Or husband. But I don't. So oh well.

I leave in an hour. The feeling of distress starts now.

"When the conversation stops and we’re facing our defeat
I’ll be next to you and you’ll be right there next to me
Then I’ll say
Girl,if you’re wondering if I want you to (I want you to)
I want you to (I want you to)
I swear it’s true (swear it's true) "
-Weezer

Oh boy!

2009-12-21T19:45:00.007-05:00

Okay, so recently I mentioned reconnecting with 2 of my exes. One of them was my very first (and still my favorite) younger lover. He's also the smartest guy I've ever dated, and very calm, but he finds himself in, ummmmm....situations. Ridiculous situations. Like me, only a number of his have a tendency to involve law enforcement. We've even been in ridiculous situations together (not involving law enforcement, thank goodness). Anyway, we never dated and we'll never be sexually involved again. We haven't really contacted each other in a couple of years. But, he cracks me up and recently we started chatting. Besides, how can I not adore somebody who randomly compares me to characters in James Joyce novels and ends e-mails with sentences like this, "Eventually I and only I was arrested. This is all I know."

Anyway, I'll post more detail about him later, including the night we met when I was pushed down into the street in Canada. True Story. Or, perhaps the time I learned how old he was, or in this case, wasn't. Also, a true story. Way too off-topic. Sorry. What I really want to talk about is that other ex with whom I've been in contact. Unlike the fellow mentioned above, this guy and I...well, it's complicated to explain. I'll just sum up the situation with excerpts from an e-mail exchange between BFF & me:

kittlekat:[Mentioned situation with Boy]...Don't get too ahead of yourself in praising me though. Mr. BMo (yes, videotaped-me BMo) has offered to drive up to Vegas on Sunday to visit me/stay night in Vegas on Sunday. And, coincidentally, there aren't any good cheap flights out of Vegas on Sunday, but there sure are on Monday. This is where I need you to say..."DON'T DO IT KITTLEKAT! DO! NOT! DO! IT!" haha

BFF: Yes, obviously very pleased to hear you're not torturing yourself with Boy anymore, but BMo??? BMo?? I know we're the reigning queens of bad decisions, but come on!! Given the choice between the two evils, I'd be happier to hear you're still talking to Boy rather than the guy who made a poorly-executed attempt at videotaping you! ::sigh:: Here's hoping you'll make the right decision - remember, if you get married at some point over the weekend, I'll take full responsibility; but if you find yourself hitched the day after I leave, you're on your own! hahaha

kittlekat: I'm not sure there's enough alcohol in Vegas to make marrying BMo sound like a good idea. He just.....doesn't have any personality haha

Seriously though, tickets to Vegas are ridiculous from HomeState. How is it not tempting to take an ex up on his offer to stay another night in a hotel instead of in the airport? I'm thinking that the fact I even had to ask my Blog that question exemplifies why I'm perpetually single.

"My mind is telling me no but my body my body's telling me yes
I (baby) don't want to hurt nobody
But there is something that I must confess..."
-R. Kelly

Jack On The Rocks. Tall. Very Tall.

2009-12-18T18:02:00.002-05:00

So I was hoping this weekend could be in celebration of the end of the semester. However, there's nothing to celebrate. I panicked on my paper and it turned out terrible. Then, there was my Evidence exam. My Evidence exam that included 80 true/false questions.

No, I don't want to talk about it.

Now, I'm off to look for people to hang out with.

Hopefully, I'll find somebody willing.

Hopefully.

"I’m not running,
It’s a little different now
‘Cause one of us is going
One of us is going down"
-Sick Puppies

Turn It Off!

2009-12-17T06:22:00.000-05:00

My roommate sets her alarm to go off intermittently for hours before she actually has to get up. I'm not exaggerating. This wouldn't be so unbearable except sometimes it takes her soooo long to hit the sleep timer. It also wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't quite so loud.

She has it set to radio, and I've already heard 4 songs.

I mean, it's 6:14a.m. for crying out loud. Lady Gaga before sunrise is not my idea of a good morning. Oh well, maybe I'll just go into work super early and leave early.

But, I am so very tired.

"I'm your biggest fan
I'll follow you until you love me
Papa-Paparazzi
Baby there's no other superstar
You know that I'll be your-
Papa-Paparazzi"

A Kittlekat Classic.

2009-12-15T19:09:00.004-05:00

If you happen to know me in real life, this little story will, at most, make you sigh and shake your head. If you do not know me in real life, you'll probably wonder if my natural hair color is blond (It's not, I swear!).

My mind tends to overlook details. Last week, I made loose plans to go out to watch my alma mater play tonight. I have an exam tomorrow night but figured grabbing a beer, some grub, and watching a game would be a good break in my studies.

Today, I solidified those plans. I looked on the internet for the time of the game. At first I looked at the today's games listing on the main page of a sports website, but my team wasn't listed. I thought, "hmmmm how odd, why isn't our game listed?" So I went to the team site, got the time. However, there's was a game listed before the game I wanted to see tonight, I thought, "hmmmm why isn't the score posted for that Saturday game?" I then clicked on the opposing team to get their main page to see if the score was listed. It was not. While all that was going on, I made plans to meet at the bar tonight in time for the game. Smooth sailing, right?

The game is NEXT Tuesday.

TO BE FAIR, the person I was going to meet didn't realize it either so it wasn't just my absent-mind that was responsible for this oversight. On the other hand, I wasn't the one who figured out the mistake. I totally would've showed up at that bar tonight ready to watch the game.

Exam tomorrow! Hopefully my mind is in a better condition tomorrow.

"Kill your doubt
With the coldest of weapons, confidence.
No more words, ohhh
just the sound of resplendent
tongues colliding."
-Incubus

Family Fun.

2009-12-13T10:35:00.000-05:00

My family holiday dinner was yesterday. There was a very low turnout. Regardless, 2 of my aunts had a great idea to have professional photos taken since we haven't had one in, well, 20 years maybe. My dad has 5 brothers, no sisters, but one of my uncles was absent. And, grandchildren? Fewer than half of us were there. But, the photos were taken. Photos for a gift to the grandparents.

We are not a photo friendly family.

The photographer was earning her money. Can you imagine posing burly men? Can you imagine posing a family consisting of people who routinely make wise-cracks. Wise-cracks that cause half of the family to turn red, because that's what happens when they laugh.

It was an experience.

An experience fo' sho'.

Additionally, one of my uncles used to always record our Christmas get-togethers (we used to have them until Grandma canceled Christmas 5 years ago, true story). Well yesterday, he was playing them on the tv throughout the dinner. Oh my goodness. I had no idea I was quite so scrawny. Somehow, I've always thought of my younger self as reasonably sized. Skinny, but reasonable. In actuality I was pretty much all hair and clothing, with an occasional glimpse of my teeny arm stretching from within the sleeve of my sweatshirts.

On the other hand, it was a good time making fun of Little Sister's feathered bangs!

Also, there was only one, "We didn't think you'd be here this year, we figured you'd be in Kansas!" I thought I'd get more crap than that since last year I missed Family Holiday Dinner because I was visiting Boy in Kansas, but luckily, my family's memory must be as bad as mine.

Ohh family.

"If she seems cold and bitter then I beg of you
Just stop and consider all she's goin' through
Don't be quick to condemn her for things she might say
Just remember life turned her that way"
-George Jones

Out Of The Gutter.

2009-12-11T17:44:00.003-05:00

Only one more exam to go! Then, starting next Thursday, a crash course in imbibing. Mmmmmmm beer. Also, may or may not've started re-communicating with yet another ex-lover. Seriously, somebody needs to hit me with a brick. Fortunately, all of my exes live in other states so temptation requires plane tickets or long drives. Convenient, no?

Be good, kittlekat.

I've been on a health & exercise kick, attempting to design something that'll work for me. To tone my body overall and make my stomach/intestines happier. Well, on oodles of blogs, websites, diet plans, etc., people always mention protein shakes.

Come on! Tell me you don't smirk when you see or hear the term, "protein shake."

"They say that love is hell,
But I've been laughin' ever since I fell
It's only gonna make you love me more
The lord will have his way, but I'm just a call away
It's only gonna make you love me more"
-Ryan Adams

Stressed the frick out.

2009-12-10T16:38:00.002-05:00

Paper due, paper due, paper due, paper due, paper due, paper due.

That's all that's been going on in my head.

And it sucks.

"You don't believe his stories
You know that they're all lies
Mad as you are, you stick around
and I just don't know why"
-Mario

Not What I Needed To Hear Right Now.

2009-12-09T15:34:00.000-05:00

I was excited because a change in my employment meant I could actually afford health insurance through my employer. To enroll or make changes to health insurance, you have to have an employment change (promotion, etc), life event, or wait for open enrollment. My employment change meant I could sign up. So I did. Even received my prescription card in the mail last week.

I very much looked forward to having good insurance again. I was excited to make a change in the birth control I take, since mine makes me The Crazy Emo for one week per month. I was looking forward to changing my ADD meds and trying cognitive behavior therapy. I was looking forward to visiting my allergist to restart allergy control meds and get new prescriptions for an inhaler and epi-pen. Most of all, I was looking forward to being able to afford to go to the doctor when I'm sick, or say, when I have a self-diagnosed broken foot.

Too soon, kittlekat.

I was contacted today by Benefits. I can enroll in health insurance, but it'll be back dated. That's the only way. I had 60 days to make a change, but regardless of when you sign up, it gets back dated to the event that allowed for the change. That means I'll owe a ridiculous amount of money to enroll. That's on top of the cash already spent on the minuscule (but not cheap) individual insurance I purchase so I don't go bankrupt in case I ever need to be hospitalized. Even if I could scrape up the funds, I can't justify spending 2-months worth of rent on insurance that I never had the ability to use. I just don't have that type of leeway in my budget. So I have to wait for open enrollment...in July.

Every bone in my body wants to scream, "JUST MY LUCK!" However, I will refrain. Instead, I shall look on the bright side: At least they're letting me unenroll instead of taking all of that money out of my upcoming paychecks.

Besides, it serves me right for looking forward to something. I should've known better. Duh!

I kind of want to cry, but I don't have any stress to spare because this paper of mine is due tomorrow. Talk about bad timing.

"Cause you can't feel my anger
you can't feel my pain
you can't feel my torment
driving me insane
I can't fight these feelings
they will bring you pain
you can't take away
make me whole again"
-Staind

Cowering On the Edge of Miserable. Trying not to fall in.

2009-12-08T23:03:00.000-05:00

Stress mostly. Paper due Thursday, but I'm so upset over it because no matter what I do I'm not going to get a good grade. It's the way my school is structured. I need serious help to figure out how to be a good legal writer, but the only way to get help is to take a class where a paper is the grade for the class. It's super frustrating.

I wish I had any type of support system, like mentally/emotionally, even a teeny tiny support system. Even a one person support system. Today, I was so desperate I attempted to talk to my mother. It lasted less than a few minutes and made me feel even more horrible.

My mom is supportive financially. Emotionally/mentally I'd have to say she's the exact opposite of supportive. It's always been this way. In other words, I should've known trying to talk to her about anything would blow up in my face.

UGH.

In random observance , I'm really glad Texts From Last Night wasn't popular when I was in college. Though I'm sure I composed many worth sharing with the world.

And, yes, right this very moment, I'm procrastinating on a whole new level.

Structure? I need it.

"Now baby holla at me tell me what U miss'n
I can put in work from every position
From the kitchen table, 2 the bedroom floor"
-Jamie Foxx

Meltdown City.

2009-12-06T11:18:00.001-05:00

I've been off of the adderall xr for just over a month now. I'm sure you're all probably sick of hearing about it, but in the last month there were more okay days than emo days and it felt really good. I was starting to feel good about myself. I was less crazy overall and it was awesome.

However, with exams & my paper, I decided to refill my prescription. Actually, my mom had it refilled and she didn't know there wasn't much of a price difference between the original and generic, so she bought the generic. The generic is just called, "Amphetamine ER," talk about throwing things in your face.

So I took it, and it sucked. It's still sucking. Right now I'm feeling the come down from it. My body is incredibly tense. I just feel irritable in general. Yesterday, I felt above and beyond emo. I HAD to have a drink to take the edge off. Wow, the edge? I'm not really sure if this generic causes more of an edgy feeling or if I'm just used to not feeling it anymore so it's markedly noticeable. Either way, I feel much crappier emotionally than I have in weeks and with all of that feeling going on, I still didn't focus better on school work. I was too busy being emo and irritable.

This is totally not worth it. By going off of it for a month and then trying it again, I am certain it has played a large part in why I hate myself so much. With the holidays here, I just can't put myself through it again now that I know I can feel good despite my current lonely circumstances.

In the last 48 hours, I've felt lonelier than I have in the past month and that's stupid.

I can do better. I will do better.

"You rescued me
Saved my life just in time
Saw past all my issues and scars
And made me try"
-Carrie Underwood

"So when are you moving in?"

2009-12-05T08:37:00.002-05:00

Last night after work I went to Cousin & Cousin-in-law's to take their Christmas card photo. I also decided to make them dinner. And, of course, I wanted to play with the baby! I made them homemade chicken pot pie. While we were eating, Cousin-in-law said I should make the pot pies (I made them in the tiny pie plates) in a variety of types, like pizza.

Yuck. Pizza in a typical Crisco laden pie crust sounds absolutely disgusting.

Also, Cousin was attempting to get a photo with the three of them, 2 english bulldogs, and 2 cats. Well, one cat decided to just sit under the Christmas tree, unseen, for the photo. One bulldog could barely keep herself away from the runner rug (the tree was on tile and she hates non-carpet floors, she walks backwards on harder floors). So I took some photos. One, in particular, shows chaos.

I think they should use the chaos photo. It's a perfect example of a family with a new baby.

Then, I went home. Alone. To be all by myself. Drank a whiskey on the rocks. And moped about. No studying or paper writing accomplished.

So today, all studying, no moping!

P.S. Way too much texting with an ex. More on that in a future post. But, way too much contacting.

"Now I would like to take you for a ride
Girl you know we'll have so much fun
And give you everything your body needs
Satisfaction guarantee"
-R.Kelly

Ground Covering Snow!

2009-12-03T22:14:00.002-05:00

That is all.

"Still I ain't seen mine No I ain't seen mine
I've been giving just ain't been gettin'
I've been walking that there line
So I think I'll keep on walking with my head held high
I'll keep moving on and only God knows why"
-Kid Rock

Big No No

2009-12-02T19:47:00.002-05:00

I used to be the sole law student who didn't take my laptop to class, mostly because I take better notes with pen & paper.

Right this very second, I'm blogging from class! Definitely bad for notetaking.

At least it's my last class for the semester. Tomorrow begins STRESSing over exams and one big paper. Ugh.

Oh! I reconnected with a very old dear friend who I intentionally haven't spoken to in almost 6 years, so look for a post about that in the near future.

Plus, follow me as I plan my 10-year high school reunion. As well as make a promise to myself to do a wildly popular fitness dvd for 30 days in order to not be chunky in time for Vegas.

Now back to learning about Rules for the next hour & 40 minutes.

"She didn't beg oh, not enough
She didn't stay when things got tough
I told a lie and she got mad
She wasn't there when things got bad"
-Phish

Cease To Amaze.

2009-11-30T23:15:00.003-05:00

I've experienced snow for 27 years of my life. And yet, somehow, it always makes me super-childlike-excited to see it fall. It puts that look on my face. Wide-eyed with a mouth-closed slightly crooked grin. Like I'm simultaneously happy and mischievous. Contemplating how long it'll be before I can throw a snowball at you.

What I don't like is when the very light snow flutteries (Yes, flutteries) are accompanied by gusts of fierce winds. It's very scary outside my window tonight.

"Like the thing that you tried that you thought that you liked
For a minute then it all felt wrong
So you change it again all your clothes, all your friends
It's the same as it ever was"
-Monsters of Folk

Dear Florida,

2009-11-28T21:37:00.002-05:00

This weekend, I hate your guts more than ever!

Yours Truly,
This Midwestern 'Noles Girl

"F-L-O-R-I-D-A S-T-A-T-E
Florida State! Florida State! Florida State!
Wooooo!"
-Fight Song

At Least I Wasn't Cooking For A Crowd.

2009-11-26T22:08:00.004-05:00

Since I cook mostly for myself, even meat laden poultry carcasses, there's room for error. Usually, when making myself a Thanksgiving turkey, my error is in the thawing. Basically, I forget to do it within a reasonable time frame.

But, this year. Oh this year.

I started thawing that sucker on Monday. However, at just over 11 pounds, it was still a bit icey this morning, so I let in soak in an ice bath. Eventually, I opened up the Butterball plastic and was greeted with ice chips in the cavity. I stuck my hand in to pull out the bag of guts to find the neck was frozen solid, so I pulled out the package of guts, contorting the frozen neck to pull it out. I then stuck my hand in the cavity to remove the ice chips and rinsed out the aforementioned cavity.

Know what my error was this year? Friggin' giblet baggie!

Apparently, the giblets were in their own baggie, not the neck baggie, but since I took out a baggie, stuck my hand through the bird and rinsed it out, it never occurred to me to check for a second baggie. Since I don't use guts & necks, the bag goes directly into the trash and I don't even look inside.

Do you know how amateur of an error that is? I've cooked at least 5 turkeys all by myself and this is the first time I've ever cooked the bag of guts! I would've been embarrassed, but it's not like there were familial witnesses who will joke about this for years to come.

Thank Goodness.

The real kicker is this morning I was reading a list of quick-fixes for Thanksgiving mistakes and one was cooking the bag of giblets/neck. I thought to myself, "How do you not take out the bag? How silly."

Silly me.

"I wasn't ready to go
I'm never ready to go
Twenty-seven years of nothin' but failures and promises that I couldn't keep
Oh Lord, I wasn't ready to go
I'm never ready to go
Let it ride. Let it ride easy down the road
Let it ride. Let it take away all of the darkness
Let it ride. Let it rock me in the arms of strangers, angels until it brings me home
Let it ride. Let it roll. Let it go"
-Ryan Adams & the Cardinals

Biggest Bar Night Of The Year?

2009-11-25T17:48:00.000-05:00

Who doesn't have plans? This girl.

Apparently, moving back to College Town didn't provide for more social interaction. Or, maybe I just get more loserish with age. Of course, the reason doesn't matter because regardless the outcome is I don't have anything to do tonight. Just like every other night.

How did this happen?

"Did it again, love, I got it all wrong
But it felt so right, I can't believe it
And all the mistakes that went on for too long
Wish there was a way I could delete it"
-Shakira

How Very Peculiar.

2009-11-23T20:19:00.004-05:00

I've been off of Adderall XR for just over two weeks now. I'm thinking more than I have in years. I actually have the ability to take case law and make it fit my thoughts. For the first time in a very long time, I actually feel my self-worth!

For the first time in a long time, I'm starting to feel like me.

It's all so very strange.

Welcome, but strange.

"She's as pretty as a picture
Every bit as funny as she is smart
Got a smile that'll hold you together
And a touch that'll tear you apart
When she's yours she brings the sunshine
When she's gone the world goes dark
Yeah she's heaven on the eyes
But boy she's hell on the heart"
-Eric Church

In Jest.

2009-11-22T19:08:00.002-05:00

Friend: "Aww, maybe you're actually a hopeless romantic"
kittlekat: "I am NOT a hopeless romantic!"

I'm just hopeless.

"Your clothes are dirty but your hands are clean.
And I'm the best thing that you've ever seen.
(Stay lady stay, stay with your man awhile.)
Why wait any longer for the world to begin?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
(Why wait any longer for the one you love?
I am standin' in front of you.)"
-Magnet featuring Gemma Hayes

Here Come The Holidays.

2009-11-21T09:19:00.001-05:00

Last night, while I sat at home alone on a Friday, I couldn't help but think of what everybody else was doing. The start of the holiday celebration at our capital. Couples watching the lighting of the tree. People my age married, taking their children out for the start of the season. Girls out with their girlfriends, laughing at the bar. I even thought about what Boy could be doing, and that thought isn't good at all. Overall, I may've had one mini-crying jag that lasted not even a minute before I told myself, "Don't be stupid, these aren't things worth crying over. Pull yourself together, crazy!"

For me, quite frankly, the holiday season sucks. It throws my lack of social connection, emotional detachment, and loneliness in my face. It's like an entire 2 month period where every day I look in the mirror and staring back at me is a big fat loser. An incompetent girl who may never be able to connect with anyone. A girl disheartened by her circumstances.

I genuinely like the holidays so usually I manage to pull myself together and be grateful for what I do have. I try my best to make the best of the season. Alone or not. I've gotten pretty good at celebrating by myself.

But this year? This year I'm quitting. This year I'm going to allow myself to scrooge it up. I'm going to allow myself to be weak.

This year I'm going to start my own tradition and go see a movie on Christmas Day. After all, I never have anything to do but sit home alone, I might as well give my mind something to think about other than the fact I'm home alone.

Okay, so maybe I just really want to see Nine, but I'm totally going to play the emo card.

Just because I can.

"The fire is slowly dying,
And, my dear, we're still goodbye-ing,
But as long as you love me so,
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!"
-Various Artists

I had a bunny once...

2009-11-17T19:24:00.004-05:00

He talked back by stomping. Usually when in his cage so the flat plastic bottom of his cage would create a resounding crash. For effect, of course.

He was a funny bunny.

"I have a tendency to wear my mind on my sleeve
I have a history of taking off my shirt
It's been one week since you looked at me
Threw your arms in the air and said you're crazy
Five days since you tackled me
I've still got the rug burns on both my knees"
-Barenaked Ladies

Two Weeks.

2009-11-16T21:13:00.000-05:00

Two weeks ago today I stopped taking Adderall XR.

You can read about how I came to that decision in a previous post. However, I didn't go into detail about the reasoning. You see, through my voracious searching I discovered adderall xr could be a culprit for a lot of the things I thought were just me being ridiculous. I've read hundreds of stories from people telling their tales about their experiences, good & bad. Some things stood out as side effects I could see in myself. These include: irritated, stressed, anger, rage, talkativeness, incessant talking, tense muscles, tense body, tense in general, impulsiveness, among other things. Then there was a story from one girl that really made me wonder why I never realized part of my problem could be the adderall xr. She said she'd always been pretty mellow, never had many feelings, but the medicine made her have intense feelings, she'd talk but couldn't stop talking & had never been much of a talker, and she would get out of control mad and agitated and irritated.

Now don't get me wrong, before you roll your eyes, I'm not one of those anti-drug zealots. I promise. I'm not blaming the drug for anything, it's just helpful to me to figure out things that've been going on with me for a long time.

In addition, I could pinpoint things like when I go to Boy's I usually take my full dose, which is generally double what I take on an average daily basis. No good.

One thing that's tough for me to admit is whenever I take adderall xr, I have an urge to drink alcohol, to soften the edginess of the effects. And, when I take the full dose, the edge doesn't go away so I drink until I don't remember and continue to drink because the edge won't go away. I've actually been a bit worried that the alcoholism gene was rearing it's head and I was venturing down that dark path.

Why am I telling you all of this? Because I need to get it out, to share.

You should know there are people who have no idea who I am when I'm not on an amphetamine. Even Boy doesn't, granted for the first couple of months I was on a very low dose, he probably doesn't even remember me then because of how horrible I've been since.

In sum, I've quit taking it. Last Monday I did not take my dose and haven't taken any since then. I didn't talk to my doctor about it. I didn't gradually lower my dose. I just quit taking it. Which would probably lead most people to an epic fail, but I've managed, mostly fine.

The plan has always been to try cognitive behavior therapy, but I've never had the time or money. So, part of my Get Right plan, which will be discussed in a later post, will include setting aside time & money to do behavior therapy.

Now, what differences have I seen since stopping Adderall XR?

Some Pros: I'm starting to actually feel like me. In control. Less tense. Less sad. More mellow. Significantly less talkative. Less effected by things. No frickin' crashes, the last of which was a horrendous one I had my last Sunday with Boy since I accidentally took an extra 1/2 dose on that Saturday. Most importantly, no urge to drink! Thank goodness I'm not on my road to alcoholism!

Some Cons: What was I talking about? Yes, my absent-mindedness is increasing exponentially, severely tired, shyness rearing its ugly head, inability to focus on homework. It takes me like 5 times as long to do homework. Frustration at my inability to focus.

I may start using the lower dose I was on originally, 3 years ago. It seemed to help my focus without making me crazy. Plus, I have a huge paper to finish writing and law school exams coming up, I really need to focus. I think I may go back on Strattera, but I remember it makes me incredibly tired for the first 2-weeks and with every dosage change, so I need to wait until winter break. Or, I may continue with an extremely low-dose of Adderall XR and if at anytime I take more than I should, I'll stop using it. I mean, what was I thinking? I'm the girl who took recreational drugs in half the dose most people take. Why didn't I weed out the adderall xr sooner? I'm so stupid.

Moral of this story: Even legal amphetamines are amphetamines and even smart girls can forget that fact.

"With some good red wine and my brand new shoes
Gonna dance a blue streak around my living room
Take a chance on love and try how it feels
With my heart wide open now you know I will
Find what it means to be the girl
Who changed her mind and changed her world"
-Sugarland

Not Even Kidding!

2009-11-13T22:16:00.001-05:00

Me: "Wanna go see a movie tonight?"
Other: "Nah, can't, I have plans."
Me:"Oh, okay"
Other:"Besides, it's Friday the 13th, with your luck shouldn't you be locking yourself up indoors and just trying to survive the date?"
Me:"Dude! A black cat totally RAN RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY CAR TODAY."
Other:"It did not! You're joking!"

It was not a joke. A black cat totally ran right in front of my car today. On Friday the 13th.

Bad luck? I have it.

"To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream."
-Incubus

Home for the Holidays.

2009-11-12T18:49:00.001-05:00

Via text,

Little Sister: "Are you going to family holiday dinner this year?"
kittlekat: "Yes, and so are you. There's not an excuse good enough to get you out of it."
Little Sister: "Yea right. You'll ditch me for Kansas."
kittlekat: "I'm no longer bothering Boy. It's time to let him move on with his life."
Little Sister: "lol, well like they say there are more fish in the sea haha And my friend Joe thinks you're hot."
kittlekat: "Thank him for the compliment, but I think I'm going to make 25 my minimum age requirement, or maybe 28."

I haven't been nearly as emo as I've indicated in my posts. I keep thinking I'm going to have a bad night but I'm managing to keep it together. Tonight though, I'm starting to feel. I hate frickin' feeling.

On the bright side, new Bones tonight! Last night my roommate came home and saw me watching Criminal Minds, she said, "It's so strange to see you actually watching tv!" because generally I watch tv while doing homework instead of actively watching anything. But, Bones, Criminal Minds, and Law & Order (new episodes) can usually garner my attention for an hour. That is, if I'm actually home AND remember when they're on.

Big hurdles, fo' sho'.

"I'm only a woman
Of flesh and bone
And I wept much
We all do
I thought I might die alone
But I had never, never, never, never,
never, never, never, never, never, never,
never met you
So baby be good to me"
-Rilo Kiley

We Can't Go Back.

2009-11-10T20:42:00.001-05:00

I used to be so good at being alone.

Now I just get so,

...lonely.

The tears I managed not to shed last night as I struggled to sleep may just not let me escape their wrath tonight.

Why can't I just be....nevermind, it's no matter.

"Talkin' to herself, there's no one else who needs to know
She tells herself, oh
Memories back when she was bold and strong
And waiting for the world to come along"
-Pearl Jam

Good & Bad.

2009-11-09T19:26:00.008-05:00

Official opening of college basketball season! I'm in class until 9:30, then I have to get groceries, plus I don't have a tv in my bedroom and my roommates don't watch basketball anyway, let alone obscure beginning-of-season basketball games.

Managed to keep it together last week & weekend. However, spent all but two nights at my mom's where I can zone out in front of the tv with nobody around to encroach on my space.

It's ridiculously warm for the northern midwest in November. It's dark when I leave work.

Recently contacted by Blue Eyes. Pretty sure randomly hearing from Blue Eyes, th guy who I was falling for who met his most serious girl ever shortly after we stopped frequent contact is not the omen I need shortly after promising to stop contacting Boy.

Remembering to call my dad to ask if he can bring my bed up to my new place. Forgetting it's Special Hunting Season and being greeted by his liquor drenched, but too kind, words

Tonight there was soft rain falling upon my windshield as I drove to class. Nobody to cuddle with on the couch when I get home.

I think tonight is going to be a rough lonely night when I settle into bed.

Harrumph!

"If this is my last chance to love you
I’m gonna play it like a grown man ought to
If I only got one shot to win you
Then call me Jordan 4th quarter in '92"
-Ginuwine

True To Form.

2009-11-08T20:04:00.003-05:00

About a month ago, a guy started sitting next to me in my late class. The seats on both sides of me were empty, actually 2 seats on each side of me. Anyway, we've exchanged a comment here or there about the assignment, but last week we conversed a bit.

It all started when he caught a glimpse of the pink & brown Hello Kitty bag the guy who sits in front of us carries. Yes, GUY.

So we chatted a bit. He's an older part-time student who actually has a job, not just part-time because he couldn't get accepted into full-time (like most part-timers at my school). I should also note he's married with children, so it's not what you think. This is what he said to me after we chatted a bit, keep in mind, I'm honest and observant of humanity,

"I like you. You're funny, a little jaded, but funny."

A little jaded indeed!

"I ain't been goin' nowhere for quite awhile
Can't tell the truth in a house of lies
Can't explain what I don't know
One shot, one beer and a kiss before I go"
-Ryan Adams

None.

2009-11-06T21:03:00.003-05:00

Icey.

2009-11-04T01:48:00.001-05:00

Are you ever so disappointed in your lack of effort in school work that you're actually ashamed of what you presented to the entire class? Like you can't believe you're so slothful and self-damaging that you can't even put in the effort to complete homework. Huge part of your grade homework. I've been doing this for the entirety of my academic career, and every time it makes me feel like crap. I sometimes even attempt to do things ahead of time, but I never quite focus and end up waiting until the last minute, even after the last minute, stay up all night stressed out and produce complete twaddle. Yes, twaddle. It's not that I don't have the ability to churn out good work and get good grades, it's that I don't apply myself. At all.

I tend to be a huge fat fail at productivity.

Just another thing I'll address in my attempt to get my life together. But enough woe-is-me since you must be utterly sick of it. I figured I'd break up all of the emo with an observance from last night that will probably just confirm I'm so strange. Not that you need more confirmation.

I have a rather large fingerprint/hand bruise of the side of my abdomen/back and it hurts quite a bit. So, after I got home from class last night, I wrapped an ice pack around it and settled into the couch. Contorted into an awkward position and holding my hoodie so it wouldn't touch the side of the ice pack that wasn't touching my back. Why didn't I just lie back on the couch with the ice pack between me and the couch? Why was I taking it one step further and not letting my sweatshirt fall over the ice pack?

Short Answer: Because I'm crazy.

I'm kind of hoping somebody will be reading this and justify that my belief is true, or at the very least that they do the same thing. However, I think the possibility of that is slim. You see, I have this belief about heating pads and ice packs. Particularly ice packs since they aren't continuously generating cool like heating pads are heat. I think that if something is on the other side of the ice pack, such as my hoodie over the ice pack on my back, it'll suck half of the coolness and my ice pack will melt twice as fast. I also think it'll draw half of the coolness/heat away from the site of my pain and therefore lessen the effectiveness of the ice pack or heating pad.

I like to think this belief has a basis in reason. Okay, maybe not.

See? Crazy.

"Quiero tu solo
No es lo mismo
Por eso espero
Huele mi cuerpo
Tú, mil y tantas
El tiempo pasa
No quiero otro"
-Nelly Furtado

Nervous Nelly.

2009-11-04T00:12:00.000-05:00

Great big HUGE presentation tomorrow morning. Sick just thinking about it. During my academic career I've dropped numerous classes because they required a presentation. No joke.

Also can't figure out if I'm so upset because I know there's no more Boy, or if it's because I know it's all my fault. I'm the one who's bat-shit crazy. I'm the one who ruins everything. I'm so ashamed and guilty. If he were to read this, I know he'd make that irritated noise and say...

Get Over It!

I will, eventually. I've no other choice.

P.S. My new roommate in the room next to mine, the one with thin walls, has been talking on her phone since I got home at 10. I hope this isn't a nightly routine. She has a loud voice. And she giggles, a lot. Ah well, can't fault somebody for being happy.

"You were meant for me
I believe you were sent to me
From a dream straight into my arms
Hold your body close to me
You mean the most to me
We will keep each other safe from harm"
-Ben Harper

Day One.

2009-11-02T17:43:00.002-05:00

I'm too busy to cry. Way too busy. But, I'm permanently on the verge of tears. I may've smiled once or twice today, but then I came home after work, dark clouds looming overhead figuratively & literally. All I want to do is curl up into a big sobbing mess.

But, that's not going to magically make me better.

Fortunately, I had a good deal of time yesterday to think about myself. I also had a window seat on both of my flights so my tears were easy to hide. I should've been doing homework, but instead I was pouring over memories of the first couple months I met Boy. I pinpointed that time frame as when I took a flying leap into Crazy. I've always figured it was him, us, that made me this way. So unstable. Falling for a guy I totally had no interest in falling for, trying so hard and being so irritated because I just COULD NOT accept the fact I was falling for him. Then finally being left heartbroken. Unwanted. Not good enough.

Like, seriously, can I get some other pattern in life? Why does it always have to be people crushing me?

Anyway, I thought & thought & thought & thought & thought some more over what the heck happened to me. Well, it finally occurred to me that there was one other thing that in my life at that time and an intense Google search this morning confirmed my answer. The drug I'm taking to put structure into my life, was the seed that destroyed me.

Of course, I feel so stupid for not recognizing it sooner. It's a friggin' amphetamine. Legal. But, amphetamine just the same. The worst part is I had no idea it created the effects I've been experiencing.

It's obviously not the be all and end all to my problems, but it may be a root cause. I'll type up a post in the future about it in detail, but for now I need to head to class. Where I'll try not to think about things that'll make me cry. Afterall, I have to head to my mom's house after class and that'll give me plenty of time for tears. It'll also provide me with an empty house for 2 days so I can simultaneously cry and work on my presentation/paper.

Because, let's be honest, sporadically breaking into tears in the library would solicit unwanted attention.

"Always there every time you need me
It ain’t love but just like nicotine
You’re addicted to a feeling you can only get
From me and your cigarettes"
-Miranda Lambert

Mulligan.

2009-11-01T23:34:00.006-05:00

I barely even feel like myself anymore and I need to revamp my life so I figured I'd start with this blog. Not to be all psycho-babbley, but I'm never going to be okay unless I confront my inner child. It's impossible to erase the emotional scars, but I don't have to be defined by them.

But, man, I never wanted to face her. To look in her big wide eyes and staring back at me is all of that loneliness. To see that forlornness.

Oh if I could, I would go to her bedroom at night. Just when she was perfecting the fine art of crying almost silently. Another night, awoken by the yelling. In her small 2 bedroom house, the thin bedroom door did nothing to muffle the shouting. She had no idea it isn't how people are supposed to treat each other. Things would never really improve until she left for college, but eventually she just stopped feeling.

That hapless little girl. I would tell her all she really needed was one thing as I pull her into a hug and hold her.

It's such a simple thing. To know somebody's there for her. Somebody cared.

"Hey tomorrow you've gotta believe that
I'm through wastin' what's left of me
'Cause night is fallin' and the dawn is callin'
I'll have a new day if she'll have me"
-Jim Croce